Summer in the city

One day I woke up, blinked, then caught myself holding a baby in each arm. That´s how it feels like. I try to remember the first few weeks and months with the twins - most of it is a blur. People used to tell me that the first year flies by but back then the whole baby idea was still so distant to me that I didn´t understand. Didn´t understand or relate because they were the parents and I?! I was the girl who left Germany to sing in front of 2000 chinese people and eat drunken bbq on a saturday night. 9 months have turned me into one of them and I feel like it was only yesterday that I came out of surgery and got told Noah is in intensive care, then I blinked and today I watch him crawling around, becoming more beautiful to me by the minute. Time is not flying. It is a blur.

In 11 days I will blink again and the twins will be 9 months old. 9 freaking months. Time on earth as long as time inside me. Months in which two tiny people have entered my heart and soul. Months in which I have had more stress, more on my mind, more emotional ups and downs than ever in my life. Months that started out with a decision, following an airplane ticket, then the labour ward - until on Nov 26th a new life two new lives began.

It is summer in the city and although school is about to start which is a new, amazing and exhausting journey altogether in this very moment I am loving the ups while writing off the downs as life lessons.

Back to school 2012

 I got three weeks to go. Three weeks until I stand in front of them. Teaching them german and english and hopefully doing a good job. I am excited and happy and excited and happy and in between I want to pee my pants cause I am crazy scared. This is the real deal. No more "I teach you a Justin Bieber song today"- No more " I ehhhh come ehhhh from the China". This is serious shit. China, your were easy. I miss you.

Two weeks ago I frequently started visiting the twins future childminder. Change takes time, getting to know a new person takes even more. Our life got intense and educational and involved quite a bit, sometimes hard work. When we started, the first day was a disaster, the second semi ok and just when I felt defeated and stressed and a little hopeless that all of this might turn out well in the end it got better and with every visit the twins became a little less anxious and enjoyed more. So far so good. Of course it is still a major undertaking to get myself, then the twins ready, then putting the twins in the car, and I am sure I have to get up at a crazy hour once school starts - until now I could not get myself to switch my alarm to such an unhealthy time - but practice makes perfect or at least doable.

Three days ago we then hit another major step with Noah starting to crawl. Hello world, here we are: two crazy infants on the move - but although I said before that once both kids are mobile I would need to start looking for a surgeon willing to implant an extra pair of eyes on my back, I was and am far too excited for my little man to finally be able to move around like his sister. 

As for Nele - she is still the fast and the furious - all together and combined. Fearless and happy and wild with frequent bruises and an unbeatable energy. 

So in August life is crazy and exciting and I keep all fingers crossed that my new timetable with work and twins minus a husband will work out. 

 A few days I ago I came across the quote "Everything you can imagine is real." 

Well, thank you, Mr Picasso. I imagine myself being all superwoman and zen. 

Ohmm. 

Partners in crime

Sleep when you´re dead

I am gonna come straight to the point here. My last few days have been hell. We are trying to change the twins sleeping routine because that momma (aka me) needs less bags under her eyes and more youth to her face but it has been a daily trip to hell. Somehow it is an impossible task to keep the twins awake long enough so that they only have one nap during the day. One nap but a big nap. Afternoon nap. Like you do. But no. Nada. So they nap here and there. Sometimes 45 minutes, sometimes less than that. After, they wake up in a relatively good mood which is nice to be around but which usually only last a short time after our good old mate Mr. Whiney comes along to accompany us until the next nap is due. It is exhausting, it is hard work, it is little fun. In a bit more than a month I will start work. I have already been given my classes, have checked the literature I need - since the headmaster called I have been excited like a child in a candy store. I want this. So much. I want it to work and to be fun and to be successfull. And just as excited I feel, I  am scared. Scared and nervous and sometimes hopeless. The twins are still not sleeping through the night (why oh why oh why???) and even when one sleeps through till the early morning hours (bless you Noah!) there is still another one (oh Nele) that has to be aweful. Aweful and awake. 2,3 sometimes 4 times a night. It is not healthy, not fun and after doing it for the past 7 1/2 months I am fed up. SO it all goes back to the sleeping routine which will hopefully and eventually change and improve.You know the people that say: Sleep when you are dead.?! Yeah. What a lot of crap. I wish they would come over for a week and then apologize. ; )

Sleep is for the weak, mom

I rather play and pull hair and play

Good morning!

A picture is worth a thousand words and sometimes more than this. For me sometimes posting them is all I have time for and so I sit here hoping that they are worth a thousand words... enough to show, express and explain. I wish I could write more. I wish I could find time to do the things I love doing but when time is often just  a five minute break and some soya latte you get how busy I am. For now things are the way they are. Days are the way they are  - unfortunately nights too. But over the months I have come to accept this. It is a phase and a phase is a phase is a phase....Eventually you know it will pass.Until a thousand more words....7 months of Noah and Nele - enjoy <3

The fast and the furious

When I was in hospital there were days when it was easy to forget what all the lying down, all the seconds, minutes and hours of seemingly doing nothing were good for. I complained little during that time but when  impatience took over  people used to tell me to enjoy. Enjoy the quiet and the hours of rest because - symphatetic look from the side - it would ALL change once the twins arrive. 6 months later I know that they were right. It did indeed all change...Gone are the hours of quietness and rest - Wait - what was that word again?! I believe I was forced to erase it from my vocabulary - has become a rarity which is not even guaranteed at nighttime anymore. I once read a book written by a single mom who said that she would give her right kidney for a night of uninterrupted sleep. Agreed. 100%. Count my kidneys in. Both.

But at the time I could not enjoy the novelty of rest any longer. I wanted the tiny dancers out. After 9 months and 20 kilos of gained weight I wanted to see, touch, feel, talk to what had been part of me for so long. 

And so - surprise, surprise - they arrived and 6 months later here we are and they are slowely but surely on the move. You know the deal - first they turn from back to stomach, - and you already think that this is amazing - but then comes chapter two and they start to turn and turn until you find them in any possible corner of the living room or.....the bedroom floor. Yes Nele, there you were. Only a week ago. It was a 5 second thing but it happened. I had put on her on my bed only to find her seconds later that this was not only a bad bad idea but the the impossible. To make a long story -  I turned - and I swear only for 2 seconds - she feel off my bed, cried a lot, I panicked but 2 minutes later we were all fine and relieved and heartbeats slowed down. 

So mobility is the word. And while Noah is doing it slow, rather controlled, being his usual jovial self Nele is quite the Formula One Racer. On sunday I let them move around in their diapers and this must have given them a new sense of mobility. Without clothes on there was room to move and turn and dance and with that Nele turned into a half crawling racing car. I don´t even know when it happened but since then she is on the move. On the move - fast and fearless. Fearless to the point that she already bruised her face and you know what - that one does not even care. She just does not care. Although she does not get far and looks more like a drunken soldier doing some sort field exercise she gets where she wants to get and her attempts are all the same time funny, amazing and scary to watch.

So watch out people of the world. Cause these two are ready to invade.

Byeeeeeeeee mum. See you in a bit.

Patio thoughts

Maybe I have thirty minutes. Maybe an hour. Whatever it is - currently it is enough. Enough for me to hammer down the thoughts on my mind, knowing that once again writing will help me to clear my mind. With one foot rocking Noah in his baby swing and one eye speying on Nele who is taking her afternoon nap in the pram I believe twin mums are masters of multitasking. Two arms are not enough for two kids but hello do you learn what can - must -  be done with them. You learn cause you have to.When life throws the impossible at you, you face the big G´s: Give in, give up or give it your all. Number three is definitely the most exhausting. But three became my number.

Last week I attended my highschool reunion. Class of 2002 - man I´m getting old. Back when I did not think I would ever ever end up back in Germany I did not want to go. I felt disconnected. Disconnected to my country - the town where I grew up - my old self and life. Then life took an impossible path, overnight everything changed and when I found myself in the midst of twin mania land and in a position where I was more than looking forward to attend some sort of social event for once I went. I went and it was good. Not only was it good to get out, but to reconnect with some people while leaving others aside. 

If you let it happen ten years can do a lot to you. I know that the second I entered the plane to China I let life happen. I had finished my degree and although I did not study what my mother wished me to - can you ever ever meet the demands and expectations of an indian family?! - I had done well and I am glad my mother is the all time pusher she is and will always be and made me use my academic abilities to the max. In Düsseldorf, western Germany, I boarded my plane and it all happened. Until two years later two lines appeared on pregnancy test on a saturday morning I did not want to come back. In fact I did not want to come back for a while after that either but that is another story. 

Right before I left the reunion party I got to talk to girl who used to be a friend for a while who told me that she always thought she would end up back in this town but now she does not think she ever will. "Funny", I told her, "I never thought I would end up back here, let alone Germany, and now I am." 

Some days I feel trapped. Trapped and alone and defeated. I am still not sure if I can make this part of the world mine - sometimes I still feel pretty disconnected. But I am trying. Trying to see the good and feel the good. Be the optimist I want to be. There is still so much to see and do... My feet are itching, ready to jump on a plane and explore. Only this time things are different. It is no longer me and my Lonely Planet on a plane to Beijing. It is the magic number 3. Noah, Nele and me. I have responsibilities, diapers to buy and milk to feed. Maybe this is part of growing up - being a parent - for me it still feels big.

Still, I look around - of course as I finish this post I realize I did not even have half an hour - both kids are up again - and see that every day I get to laugh and smile. Every day I get to look at two healthy children. If I want I also get to look back at a crazy pregancy story and a very difficult and dangerous birth and see that we have made it through all of this. I never wanted to end up back here but it might have saved our lives. 

My incredible, insane, wonderful twins - thank you for all of this. Much much love, mummy. 

Rush Hour Part 6342

I wish I could sit down. Sit down and write. Write down the thoughts and emotions, ups and downs that I am going through. Day by day. Already they would fill a book. Instead I rush. I rush until I think I can´t do it no more but even when I try to stop for a minute I don´t allow myself to do so. 24/7 hr shifts - life of the single parent. It´s been six months (already?! Wait - what?! I am sure I only left the labour ward yesterday. Or was it the day before?!) and I am sure I have hit every emotion you can think of: all the way from happiness, pride, a feel of destiny to the dark dark (but yet so normal and only to be expected ) side of desperation, hopelessness and finally immense immense stress. Stress cause I can not sleep. (Yep, I did think they would be sleeping through the night by now but no no - not with these ones. I mean being awake at 1, 3, 5 am is so much more interesting...) Stress cause there is too much bad karma in my life. Stress cause sometimes I can not be the mother I want to be. I stress, stress, stress. Bad for the mind. Bad for the soul. Bad for my health. Bad, bad Alex.

Last week my mum went on holiday. 3 days. 3 pathetic days. And nothing and I mean from A to Z NOTHING worked out. Too much went wrong, I stressed and stressed and with that the kids were insanly cranky and with their (holy) routine out of the window my mum came back to an emotional mess. Stressed mother - stressed children. At the end of my 20s I feel like a member of the teenage pregnant society. 

BUT  (check out: here comes the wise me. Hah!) I look back at those days now and know they taught me something. I know now that if I can not be a happy mother to my children (at least to a decent extent) if I stress too much - the twins stress. I am someones - their - person now and really what kind of person do you want infront of you? Certainly not someone that deserves a place at the loony bin.

So I try and chill. Try to ignore the bad vibes I am getting left right and center, try to focus and create little steps that will lead to something big - thank you, Jade. You are my ozzie hero <3 

I had to learn that not everyone in my life supports my decision and the path I took. Some might have liked to see it happen differently or not happening at all. It is a hard thing to learn and live with but once again - thank you Mr. Morrison - "the only way is up".

In the meantime, and until a soonish and hopefully more positive entry -  some pics: 

Love is a four letter word.

It didn´t happen over night, in fact it did not happen for a while but it hit me at half nine on a monday night after the twins had gotten their second round of shots earlier that day and Nele had a high fever. I watched my mother hold her trembling body, saw her weakness and pain - when all of the sudden: incredible love, a feel of responsibility and care - motherly love. I started to cry which felt stupid at the time cause there is the child and I am the adult but I could not help myself. I cried cause I could not stand seeing her like this. All  I wanted was to make it better, make the fever go away and be there for her. Shortly after she was better but I like to think that this event led to a new acceptance as my role as a mother. 

Yesterday the twins turned 4 months which is crazy cause I don´t think time has ever gone by so quickly. My days are sometimes still crazy and unpredictable and exhausting but with ever week it gets better. For some mothers - or at least they say so - it happens quickly but with two infants or just in my case it took time. Time to get to know them. Time to learn that they are different - that Noah likes me to sing him a song while he sits on my lap while his sister, Nele, likes to be carried around so she can see whats going on around her. Time to learn that my life is different now but that different does not mean worse than before- just different. 

Most days and when I am not busy working or finding myself in a pool surrounded by a dozen other moms all trying to get back in shape I stay at home cause the second you give birth to twins your mobility goes down the drain. Sometimes it bugs me and I get annoyed but I only need to remind myself of the copious attempts I made taking the twins out for more than a walk into town and the drama it involved and I am happily sitting here with a cup of coffee in my hand and laptop in front.

Last weekend baby swimming class started and as I am going back to work August this year and probably won´t have much time for extra baby shenanigens then I enrolled the twins for this hour of fun. With Nele not being a fan of water for weeks I dreaded the class but miraculously the second we entered the swimming pool  both of them were happy and fine and quiet. With about ten other babies in the pool we sang awefully cute children songs, caried our babies in circles through the water and later exploded with pride cause "I can´t believe it - Nele did not scream". I know it sounds tragic but I loved it. I loved taking them to the pool, doing stuff with them, watching them enjoy the water, telling myself secretly that Nele was definitely the prettiest girl.

After the first 3 months which were pure madness life is getting a new exciting exhausting and amazing shape now. I know there is still so much more to come and although it means hard work and very little me time I am loving it.

Love is a four letter word. Sometimes all it takes is a little time.