Patio thoughts

Maybe I have thirty minutes. Maybe an hour. Whatever it is - currently it is enough. Enough for me to hammer down the thoughts on my mind, knowing that once again writing will help me to clear my mind. With one foot rocking Noah in his baby swing and one eye speying on Nele who is taking her afternoon nap in the pram I believe twin mums are masters of multitasking. Two arms are not enough for two kids but hello do you learn what can - must -  be done with them. You learn cause you have to.When life throws the impossible at you, you face the big G´s: Give in, give up or give it your all. Number three is definitely the most exhausting. But three became my number.

Last week I attended my highschool reunion. Class of 2002 - man I´m getting old. Back when I did not think I would ever ever end up back in Germany I did not want to go. I felt disconnected. Disconnected to my country - the town where I grew up - my old self and life. Then life took an impossible path, overnight everything changed and when I found myself in the midst of twin mania land and in a position where I was more than looking forward to attend some sort of social event for once I went. I went and it was good. Not only was it good to get out, but to reconnect with some people while leaving others aside. 

If you let it happen ten years can do a lot to you. I know that the second I entered the plane to China I let life happen. I had finished my degree and although I did not study what my mother wished me to - can you ever ever meet the demands and expectations of an indian family?! - I had done well and I am glad my mother is the all time pusher she is and will always be and made me use my academic abilities to the max. In Düsseldorf, western Germany, I boarded my plane and it all happened. Until two years later two lines appeared on pregnancy test on a saturday morning I did not want to come back. In fact I did not want to come back for a while after that either but that is another story. 

Right before I left the reunion party I got to talk to girl who used to be a friend for a while who told me that she always thought she would end up back in this town but now she does not think she ever will. "Funny", I told her, "I never thought I would end up back here, let alone Germany, and now I am." 

Some days I feel trapped. Trapped and alone and defeated. I am still not sure if I can make this part of the world mine - sometimes I still feel pretty disconnected. But I am trying. Trying to see the good and feel the good. Be the optimist I want to be. There is still so much to see and do... My feet are itching, ready to jump on a plane and explore. Only this time things are different. It is no longer me and my Lonely Planet on a plane to Beijing. It is the magic number 3. Noah, Nele and me. I have responsibilities, diapers to buy and milk to feed. Maybe this is part of growing up - being a parent - for me it still feels big.

Still, I look around - of course as I finish this post I realize I did not even have half an hour - both kids are up again - and see that every day I get to laugh and smile. Every day I get to look at two healthy children. If I want I also get to look back at a crazy pregancy story and a very difficult and dangerous birth and see that we have made it through all of this. I never wanted to end up back here but it might have saved our lives. 

My incredible, insane, wonderful twins - thank you for all of this. Much much love, mummy.