It didn´t happen over night, in fact it did not happen for a while but it hit me at half nine on a monday night after the twins had gotten their second round of shots earlier that day and Nele had a high fever. I watched my mother hold her trembling body, saw her weakness and pain - when all of the sudden: incredible love, a feel of responsibility and care - motherly love. I started to cry which felt stupid at the time cause there is the child and I am the adult but I could not help myself. I cried cause I could not stand seeing her like this. All I wanted was to make it better, make the fever go away and be there for her. Shortly after she was better but I like to think that this event led to a new acceptance as my role as a mother.
Yesterday the twins turned 4 months which is crazy cause I don´t think time has ever gone by so quickly. My days are sometimes still crazy and unpredictable and exhausting but with ever week it gets better. For some mothers - or at least they say so - it happens quickly but with two infants or just in my case it took time. Time to get to know them. Time to learn that they are different - that Noah likes me to sing him a song while he sits on my lap while his sister, Nele, likes to be carried around so she can see whats going on around her. Time to learn that my life is different now but that different does not mean worse than before- just different.
Most days and when I am not busy working or finding myself in a pool surrounded by a dozen other moms all trying to get back in shape I stay at home cause the second you give birth to twins your mobility goes down the drain. Sometimes it bugs me and I get annoyed but I only need to remind myself of the copious attempts I made taking the twins out for more than a walk into town and the drama it involved and I am happily sitting here with a cup of coffee in my hand and laptop in front.
Last weekend baby swimming class started and as I am going back to work August this year and probably won´t have much time for extra baby shenanigens then I enrolled the twins for this hour of fun. With Nele not being a fan of water for weeks I dreaded the class but miraculously the second we entered the swimming pool both of them were happy and fine and quiet. With about ten other babies in the pool we sang awefully cute children songs, caried our babies in circles through the water and later exploded with pride cause "I can´t believe it - Nele did not scream". I know it sounds tragic but I loved it. I loved taking them to the pool, doing stuff with them, watching them enjoy the water, telling myself secretly that Nele was definitely the prettiest girl.
After the first 3 months which were pure madness life is getting a new exciting exhausting and amazing shape now. I know there is still so much more to come and although it means hard work and very little me time I am loving it.
Love is a four letter word. Sometimes all it takes is a little time.
