I wish I could sit down. Sit down and write. Write down the thoughts and emotions, ups and downs that I am going through. Day by day. Already they would fill a book. Instead I rush. I rush until I think I can´t do it no more but even when I try to stop for a minute I don´t allow myself to do so. 24/7 hr shifts - life of the single parent. It´s been six months (already?! Wait - what?! I am sure I only left the labour ward yesterday. Or was it the day before?!) and I am sure I have hit every emotion you can think of: all the way from happiness, pride, a feel of destiny to the dark dark (but yet so normal and only to be expected ) side of desperation, hopelessness and finally immense immense stress. Stress cause I can not sleep. (Yep, I did think they would be sleeping through the night by now but no no - not with these ones. I mean being awake at 1, 3, 5 am is so much more interesting...) Stress cause there is too much bad karma in my life. Stress cause sometimes I can not be the mother I want to be. I stress, stress, stress. Bad for the mind. Bad for the soul. Bad for my health. Bad, bad Alex.
Last week my mum went on holiday. 3 days. 3 pathetic days. And nothing and I mean from A to Z NOTHING worked out. Too much went wrong, I stressed and stressed and with that the kids were insanly cranky and with their (holy) routine out of the window my mum came back to an emotional mess. Stressed mother - stressed children. At the end of my 20s I feel like a member of the teenage pregnant society.
BUT (check out: here comes the wise me. Hah!) I look back at those days now and know they taught me something. I know now that if I can not be a happy mother to my children (at least to a decent extent) if I stress too much - the twins stress. I am someones - their - person now and really what kind of person do you want infront of you? Certainly not someone that deserves a place at the loony bin.
So I try and chill. Try to ignore the bad vibes I am getting left right and center, try to focus and create little steps that will lead to something big - thank you, Jade. You are my ozzie hero <3
I had to learn that not everyone in my life supports my decision and the path I took. Some might have liked to see it happen differently or not happening at all. It is a hard thing to learn and live with but once again - thank you Mr. Morrison - "the only way is up".
In the meantime, and until a soonish and hopefully more positive entry - some pics:
