Talk (in pictures)

Together we

explore the world around us more and more

put on hats and cuddle

slowely start to smile

try to capture moments in between exhaustion and tiredness 

and secretly applying for the womens national football team. 

7 weeks

7 weeks of Nele and Noah.

7 weeks of days, hours, minutes and seconds that seem to fly by and are filled with everything from desperation and tiredness to life, love and laughter. I followed my heart when I decided to leave China, move back to Germany, enter the unknown and unplanned -  all to be a mum. Days, weeks. months passed, my belly grew, my body changed, I went into labour. Now I am a mum but nothing and no one could have prepared me for the changes that came and keep coming with this new life. Although the market is filled with books and magazines to buy, clubs and classes to take being a mum is something one has to learn with time. Day by day. Every child is different, twins are a challenge on their own and most of the time this still feels big, is still overwhelming to me. Sometimes I wake up, look around and need a second to remember that this is me now: Mum to twins. I have a son. And a daugther. Sometimes it is already a good day when I get to shower, put make up on and make my bed. Sometimes I think I got the hang of it now until someone starts screaming - screams and screams until I feel helpless. Sometimes I curse my mother because she knows better than me, then I get angry at myself because I know I can not do this on my own but don´t want to admit it. Sometimes I look at old videos, watch the free spirit I was only year ago. Hop on a bus on a friday afternoon after class for another weekend filled with nights that end in drunken BBQs never end, dances in our favourite club, meeting new people, cheap hang over lunches and the bus ride back that I always dreaded because I knew I would bump into my students when I was too hung over to talk. I miss this life. Sometimes I want it back. Just for a day. When days sometimes only seem to revolve around changing diapers and bottles filled with milk life can get scary and I get scared. Then I ask my mom to watch Noah and Nele for an hour. So I can drive into town and be free. For an hour. I do so until I get nervous. Until I rush in and out of stores, refuse to put on stuff because I can not stop thinking about Noah and Nele. I make my way back. Empty handed. This new life needs time to get used to. With time I hope - wish - know this will get easier. James Morrison is singing "The only way is up". I believe him.

7 weeks of Noah, Nele and me:

Noah and Nele minus 2 days old

3 days

7 weeks

 

 

Words of an honest mum...Part 1

Getting pregnant, being pregnant, carrying two children for 9 months, watching my belly almost explode, going into labour, giving birth, seeing Noah and Nele for the first time, knowing that they are healthy - a miracle. Being a mum is everything. There are moments, minutes, days filled with love and nothing but gratitude for being able to experience all of this. Then there are times when I feel lost, when the work and stress gets to me and I believe I suck at this. Immensely.

Being a mum is more than I ever thought it would be - the biggest change in my life. It takes time to get used to this new life, to having two babies around, to days where I don't seem to count anymore, where I look at the clock to see that it is 1pm and I have not had the chance to eat yet, to weekends revolving around bottles filled with milk instead of liquor.

I always wanted children. Over the years I dreamed of being someones mum. Now I am someones mum. Twice. I am someones mum but looking around me I know nothing is the way I thought it would be. Most people have one child and are together. Two people - one child. I am by myself and have two children. At times I can cope with it, sometimes loneliness gets the better of me.

I then wish I could around and find that someone by my side who can share the story with me but  when I turn and there is the best family I could ask for no one. It is times like this when this happens and I feel lost....

I feel lost but somehow I carry on, put aside the fear and sadness, hug my kids and tell myself that we will be ok in the end. I tell myself, look at Noah and Nele, then move on. It is when the above is forgotten, when tears are dried, heartbeats slow down, I calm down. It is when I see this

that I know two children is a ton of work but also bigger and more amazing than anything I have ever done in life.