The fast and the furious

When I was in hospital there were days when it was easy to forget what all the lying down, all the seconds, minutes and hours of seemingly doing nothing were good for. I complained little during that time but when  impatience took over  people used to tell me to enjoy. Enjoy the quiet and the hours of rest because - symphatetic look from the side - it would ALL change once the twins arrive. 6 months later I know that they were right. It did indeed all change...Gone are the hours of quietness and rest - Wait - what was that word again?! I believe I was forced to erase it from my vocabulary - has become a rarity which is not even guaranteed at nighttime anymore. I once read a book written by a single mom who said that she would give her right kidney for a night of uninterrupted sleep. Agreed. 100%. Count my kidneys in. Both.

But at the time I could not enjoy the novelty of rest any longer. I wanted the tiny dancers out. After 9 months and 20 kilos of gained weight I wanted to see, touch, feel, talk to what had been part of me for so long. 

And so - surprise, surprise - they arrived and 6 months later here we are and they are slowely but surely on the move. You know the deal - first they turn from back to stomach, - and you already think that this is amazing - but then comes chapter two and they start to turn and turn until you find them in any possible corner of the living room or.....the bedroom floor. Yes Nele, there you were. Only a week ago. It was a 5 second thing but it happened. I had put on her on my bed only to find her seconds later that this was not only a bad bad idea but the the impossible. To make a long story -  I turned - and I swear only for 2 seconds - she feel off my bed, cried a lot, I panicked but 2 minutes later we were all fine and relieved and heartbeats slowed down. 

So mobility is the word. And while Noah is doing it slow, rather controlled, being his usual jovial self Nele is quite the Formula One Racer. On sunday I let them move around in their diapers and this must have given them a new sense of mobility. Without clothes on there was room to move and turn and dance and with that Nele turned into a half crawling racing car. I don´t even know when it happened but since then she is on the move. On the move - fast and fearless. Fearless to the point that she already bruised her face and you know what - that one does not even care. She just does not care. Although she does not get far and looks more like a drunken soldier doing some sort field exercise she gets where she wants to get and her attempts are all the same time funny, amazing and scary to watch.

So watch out people of the world. Cause these two are ready to invade.

Byeeeeeeeee mum. See you in a bit.

Patio thoughts

Maybe I have thirty minutes. Maybe an hour. Whatever it is - currently it is enough. Enough for me to hammer down the thoughts on my mind, knowing that once again writing will help me to clear my mind. With one foot rocking Noah in his baby swing and one eye speying on Nele who is taking her afternoon nap in the pram I believe twin mums are masters of multitasking. Two arms are not enough for two kids but hello do you learn what can - must -  be done with them. You learn cause you have to.When life throws the impossible at you, you face the big G´s: Give in, give up or give it your all. Number three is definitely the most exhausting. But three became my number.

Last week I attended my highschool reunion. Class of 2002 - man I´m getting old. Back when I did not think I would ever ever end up back in Germany I did not want to go. I felt disconnected. Disconnected to my country - the town where I grew up - my old self and life. Then life took an impossible path, overnight everything changed and when I found myself in the midst of twin mania land and in a position where I was more than looking forward to attend some sort of social event for once I went. I went and it was good. Not only was it good to get out, but to reconnect with some people while leaving others aside. 

If you let it happen ten years can do a lot to you. I know that the second I entered the plane to China I let life happen. I had finished my degree and although I did not study what my mother wished me to - can you ever ever meet the demands and expectations of an indian family?! - I had done well and I am glad my mother is the all time pusher she is and will always be and made me use my academic abilities to the max. In Düsseldorf, western Germany, I boarded my plane and it all happened. Until two years later two lines appeared on pregnancy test on a saturday morning I did not want to come back. In fact I did not want to come back for a while after that either but that is another story. 

Right before I left the reunion party I got to talk to girl who used to be a friend for a while who told me that she always thought she would end up back in this town but now she does not think she ever will. "Funny", I told her, "I never thought I would end up back here, let alone Germany, and now I am." 

Some days I feel trapped. Trapped and alone and defeated. I am still not sure if I can make this part of the world mine - sometimes I still feel pretty disconnected. But I am trying. Trying to see the good and feel the good. Be the optimist I want to be. There is still so much to see and do... My feet are itching, ready to jump on a plane and explore. Only this time things are different. It is no longer me and my Lonely Planet on a plane to Beijing. It is the magic number 3. Noah, Nele and me. I have responsibilities, diapers to buy and milk to feed. Maybe this is part of growing up - being a parent - for me it still feels big.

Still, I look around - of course as I finish this post I realize I did not even have half an hour - both kids are up again - and see that every day I get to laugh and smile. Every day I get to look at two healthy children. If I want I also get to look back at a crazy pregancy story and a very difficult and dangerous birth and see that we have made it through all of this. I never wanted to end up back here but it might have saved our lives. 

My incredible, insane, wonderful twins - thank you for all of this. Much much love, mummy.