24 weeks.

Dear tiny dancers,

Today you are 24 weeks old. According to babycenter you have reached the size of a corn but I know this is only partly true for you. Last week we went to see a special doctor who examined you via ultra scan for almost 2 hours because the doctors in China failed to do such tests. I got to watch you for a crazy long time of 2 hours, even got to see one of you in 3D. Your organs were checked and are all fine. All doctors that have seen you so far are big fans of your spines. You get enough nutrition and your heartbeats are regular, reminding me of the sound of drums. Until now you have only been pictures on a large plasma screen, a thought, a worry, a piece of love but your movements and actions slowly define you.

One of you is the lively one, with toes reaching my lung, making it harder for me to breathe. You are dancing a lot and whenever a doctor tries to get a glimpse of you, you turn away, making it hard for us to see you. You turn and turn and move. You kick against my lungs, making it harder to breathe but every time you move I feel you are present. I love you.

Your twin is different from you, easier to catch on screen. There is less movement and more calmness. You also kick from time to time but because you are lying with your feet down your kicks do not hurt but serve as pleasant reminders that you are there. I love you.

The doctor said that both of you are doing fine but that one of you is in comparison to babies that week including the other twin currently too small. The difference in weight and height is not life threatening but you need to grow. We all hope you do better next time I see the doctor. She will keep observing me. She is a great lady. I am sure you would have liked her too.

After I left the doctor you were all I could think of and when I spotted an open church I went in and light a candle for you. I love you and I hope you get better soon, that you gain more weight and grow more. There is still plenty of time for you to do so.

Yesterday I saw two kids in church. Maybe they were non identical twins, maybe siblings born a short time apart. They seemed close, laughed at each others silliness, each of them trying to make fun of the other but in the most charming, adorable way only siblings get to do. I looked at them thinking of you. I hope that you will be close, that you will find more than a sibling in each other, that you get to laugh, live and fight together.

Life is not easy sometimes. I keep having good days and worse ones. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and I loose focus. I question my life, the decisions I have made until I can’t make sense of it all. Your grandma and grandpa are helping a lot. They listen, they support, they tell me I will be ok. I am sure you will like them. We had difficult times over the last few years but they are good people. Everyone is excited to meet you. Everyone hopes for you to be healthy and happy. My sisters, your aunts, keep buying tiny baby clothes and are already big fans of you.

From all parts of this planet people are sending me lovely, supportive messages, telling me that I will be ok and that I will be a great mum. They tell me they believe in me. They make me strong. I know I am blessed to have them in my life.

One day I will tell you the whole story. How I ended up in China, how I met and feel in love with your dad, how I found myself surrounded by three pregnancy tests not believing that I was pregnant. I will tell you how hard it felt to come back to Germany and to deal with it all by myself. How many times I still cry and feel lost but then how many times I find myself strong again, knowing that one day we will lead a good and happy life.

You are 24 weeks today. 6 months of you and me. You have turned my life around and have become the loves of my life.

24 weeks