31 weeks - plus 2 -

NORMALLY this post would have been written on a day - most likely a morning - while my mother would be at work. I would have had the house to myself, sitting in front of my laptop, coffee in one hand, a good youtube cover blasting in the background. I would have written about 31 weeks of pregnancy, my fears, doubts and dreams.

It is still morning. There is indeed coffee on the table in front of me. But NORMALLY has become a very vague term since last thursday when I felt sleepy and exhausted  - which is not very unusual if you are carrying around almost 40 20kg of fetus - , went to bed with a book and was found unconcious by my mother minutes - seconds - ??? - later. 

What had happpened? Up to this point I can only remember pieces, moments, seconds. It was my day off but I had already done my lesson plan for the next day, I had written a post on 30 weeks, I had looked up the opening hours for the local swimming pool as I wanted to waddle my way down there later. After lunch I felt tired, I laid down, I started to read, then felt increasingly tired. I still remember that I started to cough and felt like I could not stop until breathing got harder....The next thing I heard was my mother yelling and screaming in front of me. Funny enough my very first thought was that something had happened to HER and she needed help. When I woke up my pants were wet. Our hero neighbour - the only number my mother could remember at the time - was already there, ready to call the ambulance, ready to help. My mother told me that I was gone for minutes, that my lips had already turned blue. Then, all I remember is pain. Incredible pain. The statement to multiply your period pain by a hundred is true.  THAT`S what contractions are like and yes, they are a killer. The ambulance arrived and took me away- With the sirene blasting all over all  I could think of was: "I am not prepared. They are not ready. I am not ready. Their room is not even ready yet. It is too early. It is too early." Then again pain. 

Although being 15km away we reached the hospital in what seemed like a matter of seconds. Minutes later I was surrounded by doctors and nurses, midvives and a panicking mother. Somehow I remained calm. I know now that I was still in shock, not being able to grasp what had happened. My godmother arrived. Again, one of the only contacts my mother could remember. I was being monitored and examined. I had heavy contractions but my uterine orifice was ok. An IV of tocolysis was able to control my contractions and  hours later I was transferred from the labour ward onto the maternity ward. Around me there was talk about my blood group being available, people were puzzled as to why I had collapsed, more blood was drained, I got handed a document on c sections but at 9pm we knew I was ok and not ready to be a mum yet.

One crazy roommate and two very nice ones  - who were unfortunately transferred to a new room yesterday -  two nights of heavy contractions first unable to control due to a "lovely" range of side effects caused by the first tocolysis later I am now still here -  writing a post while waiting to be taken to see a professor who will do an ultrasound. With currently no contractions on the horizon I feel pretty happy although I have gotten to know things can change in a matter of hours in here.

Being bed ridden, days evolve around IV´s, ultrasounds, being wheel chaired to the labour ward in order to get my daily dosis of  cardiotocogram, doctors and midvives and the hottest topic of all: CONTRACTIONS!

The twins are currently 31 weeks and 2 days old. If I had to have a c section now they would most likely be ok and survive but in terms of fetal development it is still too early for them. I do believe the hospital here would be well prepared for the case but they would most likely still need support and the risk of handicaps due to being born prematurely is too high. "Every day counts", as they like to say here.

31 plus 2. Since I got admitted to hospital pregnancy has become vunerable and something unpredictable. You read about twin pregnancies being risky, while at the same time you are surrounded by stories where it all went ok. You stay in there, tiny dancers. Your mum is a fighter and is getting ready for you to arrive but do me the favour and stay in there a bit longer.

31 weeks of belly on the maternity ward

30 week milestone

30 is the new 36. At least for twin mums and at least according to my gynaecologist who I went to see this week. During my marathon of check ups which latest addition are cardiotocograms to measure the twins heartbeats, movements and possible contractions he told me that the "pleasant" side effects of pregnancy I am going through right now usually would not occur until 36 weeks. 36 weeks if you would only carry one child. Not two like me ~ the giant whale who finds less and less clothes in her closet that still fit and who managed to break a desk chair this week.

Oh boy, I am with you Dr. S. Never before in my life has my body given me such distinct signals telling me when and where to stop. Before, I was often able to push myself, somehow ignore pains and tiredness and sickness. Not this time. Not a chance. Not with the scale showing 75kg. I still try to do as much as I can but exhaustion usually gets the better of me these days. 

Another funny and on going thing this week are ultrasounds. Last week when I went for my first session of birth planning at the hospital I chose to give birth in the ultra sound they did showed a rather worrying discrepancy in terms of weight and height between the twins. The doctor was far too busy to did not comment on this any further but  too late: the worrying number had already entered my head and was not willing to leave. I mean it did not really shock me as over the past weeks this process had been noticed and monitored, I wrote about it here: http://twolineslater.blogspot.com/2011/08/24-weeks.html, but ever since I found about it I became very mum like and it had worried me. Since then it was like a new shot at gambling every time the doctor squeezed half a bottle of lube on my belly and turned on the ultrasound. Would we win this week? The big jackpot?! Had my little girl put on more weight? Was she on the same level as her brother now? Although the process got monitored regularly since I got back from China so far no jackpots answers were found. 

Now when I went to see my gynaecologist this week he first listened to my concerns, then showed me entirely different but very much more positive results on his ultrasound. Well now...Who to trust and believe in? I left the office feeling somewhat relieved and confused. Two days later, although the results only being valuations, I decided to trust in his results a bit more. I mean the man currently resides in my top 5 of favourite men in my life. The hospital doctor? Ehm, not so much yet. Sometimes it is just easier to choose sides, then stop worrying whether the other side would have been better. Unfortunately the gamble is not over yet. Tomorrow we are back in gamble land when the doctor specialized in this field will yet turn on her ultrasound to tell me what numbers she has to offer. 3 ultrasounds in a week?! Should I consider myself lucky?! I don´t even know how to feel about that now. Well let´s see what tomorrow brings. 30 weeks. High five to myself. 

30 weeks.

Me + you= we, broken hearts & waiting rooms

You hold my hand and with that simple gesture right now in this very moment me and you turn into we and I no longer need to feel alone. Me + you = we. All the way up to graduation I always disliked math but this one is easy to get and much more approachable than the usual shenanigens. 

When you look at me I know we are in this together. The words coming from your mouth tell me so and I believe in them and you. I believe cause I have always believed in people until life showed me that sometimes by doing so you are in the wrong ~ that sometimes you believe until dreams shatter and rooms fill with shock, anger and pieces of a broken heart. 

I listen to Jason saying that "the goal is just to stay happy and creative and flued to keep [...] out of that dark place and more fully in that humble space", and I close my eyes.  When I wake up it is all gone. You and me and we and the dream of not having to deal with this on my own.  I no longer hold that dream that I once created. Instead I left it half way unfinished and  boarded the cheapest plane to Germany. 

Reality.

We are changing rooms. My mother is stressed, finds it hard to cope with the change and situation. My Dad looks tired and so am I. Tired and lost. It is a big thing for them - something still unexpected and shocking - nothing anyone ever wanted in life. I get impatient. With myself and them and the situation we are in. With no one to turn me and you into a we I primarily only have myself. I tell myself that somehow we have to make it, that it is too late to give up now, that we survived three months and will survive more. 

A couple of days ago I found myself in the waiting room of a hospital. I was surrounded by stressed to the max, hormonal, emotional, scared women. Pregnant women. Just like me. Oh yes, we are all in the same boat. Except THEY have all seemed to have husbands or boyfriends by their side holding their bags, holding their hands, holding them together. I bit my lip. I tried not to look at fingers and rings and rings on fingers. I messaged my friend and sister, tried out ways to distract myself. I thought of more names cause I still have only decided on one so far. Names. Babynames. Names with meanings. Middle names. Names for my son and my daugther. I am going to be a parent in less than two months. I wondered how I ended up in this moment of my life. In a waiting room. Full of couples and magazines for couples and their babies. 

I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out of this cycle of depression, self pity and the memory of unfinished dreams. 

We rearrange furniture, we get rid of things, we stress out. We know life is more than black and white but sometimes we find ourselves in moments where we can not deal with the shades in between. Not in this moment. And so we run around in circles, we curse, we get sad and disappointed and fed up with each other until a few moments, minutes, hours later we put on a brave face and stick together. We know we love each other, need each other and right now depend on one another to deal with this mess. Me and you = we. Maybe right now not boyfriend wise but family wise. 

A humble place. Luzhou, China - one day after I found out I was pregnant.

29 weeks

29 feels like 42 weeks

With the beginning of the last trimester come the "joys" of the the last weeks of pregnancy: Big -  bigger - massive belly, swollen feet, legs and hands. I walk down a flight of stairs and breathe like an obese American.  During the last couple of days sitting, standing, walking and sleeping have become the challenges of my life. For the first time in my life my boobs are one of the smallest parts of my upper body. THIS has never happened. 2 months or more of this?! Ai ya ma ya as I like to say.

People stare, and whisper and gossip. Everyone knows best, everyone has an opinion and feels the right and need to tell you what to do. At times I can take it, at others I shake my head and walk away. Being a single mom has become a common way of life in our society but in the small minded community I live in it is still something worth gossiping about. Do I wanna move to a modern, kick ass city like Berlin where I can find more people in my situation? Hell yeah. Can I do it without the support I get here? Hell no...not for a while at least.

Life is funny. I feel more at ease in  a classroom of 70 chinese teenagers than wobbling my way down town a small sized german town. In China I was very aware of my game as a teacher. Here I am still nervous and unsure at times if I do a good job. When you are abroad you forget what it is like back home. You come back, you look around, you are shocked to see that people worry and worry and worry. Although surrounded by comfort and wealth they complain and greet you with worry in their eyes. Not everyone of course but on depressing days a great lot of them. Their town has become their hub of the world. I am very blessed to have had the chance to see that this life is bigger than this. 

Every day has been a learning process, a challenge, an experience since I got off the plane from Beijing. I listen to my inner voice, heart and body, I evaluate and select. Whatever feels good to me -  people, things and situations -  I surround myself with. Whatever causes the opposite is what I avoid. For me it is the best and only way to face the challenges in front of me, to stay focused and calm. 

I become increasingly organized which is mainly due to the fact that I can not handle more than one or two activities a day. Yes, you read right: A day. This is how immobile I have become. The rest of the time I read, and rest and lie down. Don´t get me wrong. Pregnancy is still a miracle and a blessing and I do know somewhere deep down a sign of destiny but hell - it can get exhausting at times. 

I had the house to myself for the past week. Very nice, very quiet, very healthy for mind and spirit to calm down and grow. My midwife stopped by the other day and was very pleased with the state of my belly. She believes both kids have grown quiet a bit (which is also my impression when I look at my massive self in the mirror) and seem to be lying side by side. My little girl on the left, her brother on the right. This woman is becoming a bigger blessing with each visit and I do appreciate our health system enormously to cover those benefits. I am a fan. For this week I have made an appointment with the hospital I will give birth in. They will take my data, talk to me about the different options I have when giving birth. I am still not 100% sure who to take with me to the hospital but that decision will be made soonish cause holy shit I don´t have that long anymore. 7 weeks, maybe 6? My favourite blogger Rebecca Woolf gave birth to twins when she was 34 weeks pregnant. That would give me 5 weeks. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! At least our furniture has arrived so in a week or so we can start rearranging rooms and decorating. 

As I write this entry my little boy is very awake, pushing his foot into my stomach. I listen to a cover of Breakeven by the Script, once again admiring the magic music holds for me. 29 weeks feeling like 42. Bring it on, LAST trimester. Holy shit.

29 weeks. Belly and me.

28 weeks

In february 2010 I took the over night train to Beijng to attend my first chinese Spring Festival. In the hostel I stayed in I not only came across my favourite group of travellers  - who come in form of dutch guys - but also an older british man. He was working as a professor for some british university which regularly cooperated with one in China. This academic cooperation was the reason why he was in China. Over breakfast he told me that now, with his academic work done, he was travelling China for a bit. As many he found the country chaotic, loud, dirty and the people very different from westeners. I remember when he asked my friend Tina if peace was anywhere to be found in China. She quickly told him no. I believe this is mainly true although looking back I did also experience places and times where I felt surrounded by a certain calmness. These moments didn´t happen often, they were rare and didn`t last long. Also, part of the reason why I managed to experience them was due to the fact that I worked in cities which are considered small for China. Less people - less noise. Given China´s population density most of the time the extreme opposite is the case and you find yourself surrounded by pure chaos.

As many elderly people I happend to meet while working and travelling abroad I found this man very interesting. Over tea we continued to talk. He kept on talking about his impressions of China, how different, diverse and contradictory the country seemed to him. I could not agree more. Then he came out with something I have not forgotten until now. "Travelling is like a good rest."

Yesterday I got back from a weekend trip with my family. My dad who works away during the week and can only commute on weekends invited me, my mother and youngest sister on a weekend trip. He wanted to show us the region he works in.  It was not a long distance trip -  4 hours on a train - but it was a change of scenery - something new and unfamiliar. It was also family time which, given the circumstances I am in, is becoming more important by the week for me. It was nice to be together, spend time and get away for a weekend but - and I don´t want to sound ungrateful here - it is what it is with family: It is nice when you see each other and nice when you leave. You realize you are two generations - in our case also two different cultures - with different worlds, each one a bit different from the other-  and although it used to depress me previously I feel more and more that it is ok the way it is. You love each other, you argue, you need time together and time apart. Sometimes you need to shut your ears to the nonsense the other person is going on about. You do know you are also not flawless yourself so you keep quiet. Life is what you make of it.

Driving on the A3 on the way back yesterday, sitting in the back with Jay Chou blasting through my headphones, I realized that the past years had changed me. The experiences I was allowed to make, the roads I chose to take have paved my way - made me who I am right now in this very moment. It is funny cause when you´re abroad you are only half aware of the change and process of growth you undergo. Although you are aware you are constantly confronted and challenged by something new you only realize the full effect these things had on you when you get back: the moment you sit back, breathe, allowing yourself to look around, observe and compare. Just like I did after this weekend. Growth is good. It is healthy and necessary - an answer to the question of how you got to become who you are. I am immensely proud and glad I went abroad. I know I am blessed to have made the experiences I got to make, to meet the people I have met. On good days I know that because of my experiences I will now survive the challenges ahead of me as well. I will raise two children on my own, eventually I will move out and have my own place. I will be a full time teacher, a mum - maybe one day someones wife. 

28 weeks. We are getting bigger, climbing stairs and moving around all the time gets harder. I wonder how much longer we have. 7 weeks, 8 weeks  - more?! It is still hard to imagine that soon two lives will enter mine, depending on me like no one ever has. Travelling is like a good rest. For me it´s part of me and us.

Change of scenery. My sister, dad and me.

28 weeks

27 weeks

Dear tiny dancers,

when I first heard about you, when you entered my life, my thoughts and heart I would picture myself pregnant. Daily I would check my body in the mirror to see if I could already make out some tiny difference. Soon after, I started taking pictures of myself, all to capture the tiniest bump which at the time could have well resulted from too many trays of guan tan bao. When I took the bus to see my friends and your dad for the weekend every friday after work I would look out of the dirty bus window. With my mp3 on full blast and fully charged my thoughts and troubled mind would drift away until the second I would spot a pregnant girl or women. Immediately I was fully awake again, mesmerized by the visual signs of pregnancy.  Pregnant bodies are beautiful. They are miracles, proofs of life and health and love.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I was eagerly waiting for my body to change, my belly to grow, your existence to show. With my body changing and growing with every week I have by far already reached that point now but lately I feel we are reaching a new level here. Me and you are turning into head turners over here. People stare, children stop, turn around with eyes wide open. There is no doubt about it: We are getting big.  Last weekend me and my friend Sarah went to the movies and after to a local bar to catch up on life and love and men and boys and you of course when the stares became pretty obvious to us. People blatantly stare and seem shocked at times.I started to wonder why. What do these people think in that very second when they spot me -  pregnant girl with her big belly and friend out on the town on a saturday night at 10 pm?! Do they think I am that big and are afraid I could give birth any minute, right in front of them? Do they think I should be at home instead of heading to a bar on a saturday evening at 10pm? Do they pity me cause I am walking around with my friend instead of a man holding my hand? Or are they just tragic and have nothing better to look at? In that case I almost feel proud. I mean if me and my massive belly are the best this town has to over?! Not bad, Alex, not bad. But then again pretty pretty tragic. People can never mind their own business. It is what it is.

These thoughts followed me all the way home and stayed with me even the day after but then I gave up. I had a wonderful evening. I am glad I am still able to wobble around, having a laugh with my friend Sarah, watching a fantastic german movie while eating lot of sweets.

Other than that I got to see you last week for another detailed ultrasound. You look good, you have both grown and although you, madame, are still a bit small I am happy when the doctor told me that you have grown in height and weight. It is what matters right now. We still don´t know why you are small but as long as you keep growing everyone is happy. I love you.

Boy &

baby girl <3

Next weekend we are going on a final weekend trip. Me and one of your aunts and your grandparents. My parents have invited me and my youngest sister to come along. Although currently on vacation she is busy with all her uni assignments and part time work so can do with a break. Me?! Well I am busy trying to find comfortable positions to sleep and sit, the engergy to work a few hours every week, to make new friends and be happy in this place soooooooo we can all do with a break. I hope we have a good time. When we get back it we will start moving rooms. The painters have left the building so we can, once the new furniture for my parents bedroom arrives, start moving rooms. I am excited and very happy to finally put my ideas into action. I do hope your room turns out as wonderful as the picture I carry with me in my head.

27 weeks of you and me. Every week you challenge me and take me on a new adventure - an entire different road in life.  Keep dancing down there. I love you both.

27 weeks

26 weeks

26 weeks

  

It´s monday. I post a new entry - "25 weeks". Over the course of the day I receive messages from people all over the planet congratulating me on my pregnancy or telling me that they enjoy my blog.  Although I started out  writing for myself, their feedback gives me massive encouragement and I know I am blessed to have them in my life. Later I get a call from a single mom I had met shortly after I got back to Germany. She is another example for someone who has made it through the storm and managed to kick ass at raising kids by herself. We chat for an hr. She tells me that she loves to listen to my stories, the adventures I have let myself in and that I will also make it through this one. I feel strong.

On tuesday my mom gets a call from a”friend” who had briefly heard about my coming back. She is shocked about the whole situation, somewhat feels overwhelmed and instead of keeping her concerns and doubts to herself she blasts them all out, telling my mom that I won´t make it - that this is a situation impossible to handle. This woman has not seen me for at least 10 years, has no idea of who I am or have become, yet feels the right to say so. Sadly this is not the first time it has happened. It is another step back. I know my mum can not handle the pressure. I see her being overwhelmed, then depressed and sad. I hide in my bed, cry, call my sister for advice.With the anger rising I picture myself shooting all of these people but I know better and instead listen to Jason sing: "Everything will be alright. Everything, in no time at all." The first episode of X - factor is cheering me up briefly but when I go to bed I still feel low.

On wednesday I teach double the amount of classes than usual. So far it works out well with me and the kids. Being a teacher over here is a lot harder than what I was used to in China. The bonus of being a foreigner does not count here. We are far too multicultural for this. Instead, you have to earn their respect and approval which can be tough. Kids here are a lot more independent. They have a lot more freedom in life, a lot more choices to make and first, you are nothing but another boring, annoying teacher to them. I try and make myself as approchable as possible. I look at everyone in an individual way, try to remember that everyone has a story to tell. A new student has signed up for my class, my bosses want me to teach as long as possible. I feel reassured and good about myself and the work that I do.

On thursday I meet my midwife for the first time. She is early. My hair is not done. I feel uncomfortable. She is nice, gives me much advice and from a person like that you take it on. She will come to see me every two weeks now. When examining my belly she already tells me that the twins will be born early. That she can already see that my physique won´t hold them until 40 weeks. She tells me to get everything ready till mid October, that I presumably won´t be able to move much after that point. I feel nervous but a bit more prepared at the same time.

On friday I teach my student for the last time. His reexamination will be on monday. As best as I could I have tried to prepare him over the past few weeks. I hope my work will pay off. If he fails the exam he has to repeat the entire year. I wish I could sit the exam for him. I feel nervous. When I come back I skype my friend from China. He is still in the city I used to work in. He seems happy. I sent him a package filled with german chocolate a few weeks ago. He tells me how happy it made him. I sometimes regret not having stayed another year in that city. Instead I moved to the south of China. I feel reminded of the time I had there. I miss my old life.

On saturday I ride my bike to the town hall. Every year a charity is hosting a book market. I wander around, find some books on travelling. They are the closest I can get to adventures right now so I buy all of them. I start reading immediately. I love books. In the evening I attend a local music festival. It is hosted by the town my sister lives in. My parents also have tickets. I met my friend Sarah and her boyfriend. We watch good and bad bands play. We have a good time. At 11pm my body tells me to stop and go home. I catch a ride with my parents home. Although it is a logical thing to do I hate the dependency. I think back to when I lived my own life in China. I feel dependent. I hate it.

On sunday I am still tired and exhausted. I wake up and can tell I am in a bad mood. Around noon I feel overwhelmed, unhappy and miserable. I cry, question my life, can´t see the sense behind it all. I think back to 2009 when I was happy with someone else, making plans to get married the summer after. I feel lonely. I hate living at home. I hate that right now and for the near future I have no other choice. I look at my belly. I feel hopeless.

It´s a new week now. 26 weeks since I got pregnant. 21 weeks ago two lines appeared, showed me the biggest change in my life. As I write this post my student is resitting his exam. My mum has just made my favourite indian breakfast for me. In a few hours I will teach another class. My student will tell me how his exam went. Tomorrow I am off to see my gynaecologist. I am 26 weeks pregnant. Life is weird. Mine feels unpredictable. I take every day as it comes - I try to stay calm and focused.

26 weeks