29 weeks

29 feels like 42 weeks

With the beginning of the last trimester come the "joys" of the the last weeks of pregnancy: Big -  bigger - massive belly, swollen feet, legs and hands. I walk down a flight of stairs and breathe like an obese American.  During the last couple of days sitting, standing, walking and sleeping have become the challenges of my life. For the first time in my life my boobs are one of the smallest parts of my upper body. THIS has never happened. 2 months or more of this?! Ai ya ma ya as I like to say.

People stare, and whisper and gossip. Everyone knows best, everyone has an opinion and feels the right and need to tell you what to do. At times I can take it, at others I shake my head and walk away. Being a single mom has become a common way of life in our society but in the small minded community I live in it is still something worth gossiping about. Do I wanna move to a modern, kick ass city like Berlin where I can find more people in my situation? Hell yeah. Can I do it without the support I get here? Hell no...not for a while at least.

Life is funny. I feel more at ease in  a classroom of 70 chinese teenagers than wobbling my way down town a small sized german town. In China I was very aware of my game as a teacher. Here I am still nervous and unsure at times if I do a good job. When you are abroad you forget what it is like back home. You come back, you look around, you are shocked to see that people worry and worry and worry. Although surrounded by comfort and wealth they complain and greet you with worry in their eyes. Not everyone of course but on depressing days a great lot of them. Their town has become their hub of the world. I am very blessed to have had the chance to see that this life is bigger than this. 

Every day has been a learning process, a challenge, an experience since I got off the plane from Beijing. I listen to my inner voice, heart and body, I evaluate and select. Whatever feels good to me -  people, things and situations -  I surround myself with. Whatever causes the opposite is what I avoid. For me it is the best and only way to face the challenges in front of me, to stay focused and calm. 

I become increasingly organized which is mainly due to the fact that I can not handle more than one or two activities a day. Yes, you read right: A day. This is how immobile I have become. The rest of the time I read, and rest and lie down. Don´t get me wrong. Pregnancy is still a miracle and a blessing and I do know somewhere deep down a sign of destiny but hell - it can get exhausting at times. 

I had the house to myself for the past week. Very nice, very quiet, very healthy for mind and spirit to calm down and grow. My midwife stopped by the other day and was very pleased with the state of my belly. She believes both kids have grown quiet a bit (which is also my impression when I look at my massive self in the mirror) and seem to be lying side by side. My little girl on the left, her brother on the right. This woman is becoming a bigger blessing with each visit and I do appreciate our health system enormously to cover those benefits. I am a fan. For this week I have made an appointment with the hospital I will give birth in. They will take my data, talk to me about the different options I have when giving birth. I am still not 100% sure who to take with me to the hospital but that decision will be made soonish cause holy shit I don´t have that long anymore. 7 weeks, maybe 6? My favourite blogger Rebecca Woolf gave birth to twins when she was 34 weeks pregnant. That would give me 5 weeks. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! At least our furniture has arrived so in a week or so we can start rearranging rooms and decorating. 

As I write this entry my little boy is very awake, pushing his foot into my stomach. I listen to a cover of Breakeven by the Script, once again admiring the magic music holds for me. 29 weeks feeling like 42. Bring it on, LAST trimester. Holy shit.

29 weeks. Belly and me.