26 weeks

26 weeks

  

It´s monday. I post a new entry - "25 weeks". Over the course of the day I receive messages from people all over the planet congratulating me on my pregnancy or telling me that they enjoy my blog.  Although I started out  writing for myself, their feedback gives me massive encouragement and I know I am blessed to have them in my life. Later I get a call from a single mom I had met shortly after I got back to Germany. She is another example for someone who has made it through the storm and managed to kick ass at raising kids by herself. We chat for an hr. She tells me that she loves to listen to my stories, the adventures I have let myself in and that I will also make it through this one. I feel strong.

On tuesday my mom gets a call from a”friend” who had briefly heard about my coming back. She is shocked about the whole situation, somewhat feels overwhelmed and instead of keeping her concerns and doubts to herself she blasts them all out, telling my mom that I won´t make it - that this is a situation impossible to handle. This woman has not seen me for at least 10 years, has no idea of who I am or have become, yet feels the right to say so. Sadly this is not the first time it has happened. It is another step back. I know my mum can not handle the pressure. I see her being overwhelmed, then depressed and sad. I hide in my bed, cry, call my sister for advice.With the anger rising I picture myself shooting all of these people but I know better and instead listen to Jason sing: "Everything will be alright. Everything, in no time at all." The first episode of X - factor is cheering me up briefly but when I go to bed I still feel low.

On wednesday I teach double the amount of classes than usual. So far it works out well with me and the kids. Being a teacher over here is a lot harder than what I was used to in China. The bonus of being a foreigner does not count here. We are far too multicultural for this. Instead, you have to earn their respect and approval which can be tough. Kids here are a lot more independent. They have a lot more freedom in life, a lot more choices to make and first, you are nothing but another boring, annoying teacher to them. I try and make myself as approchable as possible. I look at everyone in an individual way, try to remember that everyone has a story to tell. A new student has signed up for my class, my bosses want me to teach as long as possible. I feel reassured and good about myself and the work that I do.

On thursday I meet my midwife for the first time. She is early. My hair is not done. I feel uncomfortable. She is nice, gives me much advice and from a person like that you take it on. She will come to see me every two weeks now. When examining my belly she already tells me that the twins will be born early. That she can already see that my physique won´t hold them until 40 weeks. She tells me to get everything ready till mid October, that I presumably won´t be able to move much after that point. I feel nervous but a bit more prepared at the same time.

On friday I teach my student for the last time. His reexamination will be on monday. As best as I could I have tried to prepare him over the past few weeks. I hope my work will pay off. If he fails the exam he has to repeat the entire year. I wish I could sit the exam for him. I feel nervous. When I come back I skype my friend from China. He is still in the city I used to work in. He seems happy. I sent him a package filled with german chocolate a few weeks ago. He tells me how happy it made him. I sometimes regret not having stayed another year in that city. Instead I moved to the south of China. I feel reminded of the time I had there. I miss my old life.

On saturday I ride my bike to the town hall. Every year a charity is hosting a book market. I wander around, find some books on travelling. They are the closest I can get to adventures right now so I buy all of them. I start reading immediately. I love books. In the evening I attend a local music festival. It is hosted by the town my sister lives in. My parents also have tickets. I met my friend Sarah and her boyfriend. We watch good and bad bands play. We have a good time. At 11pm my body tells me to stop and go home. I catch a ride with my parents home. Although it is a logical thing to do I hate the dependency. I think back to when I lived my own life in China. I feel dependent. I hate it.

On sunday I am still tired and exhausted. I wake up and can tell I am in a bad mood. Around noon I feel overwhelmed, unhappy and miserable. I cry, question my life, can´t see the sense behind it all. I think back to 2009 when I was happy with someone else, making plans to get married the summer after. I feel lonely. I hate living at home. I hate that right now and for the near future I have no other choice. I look at my belly. I feel hopeless.

It´s a new week now. 26 weeks since I got pregnant. 21 weeks ago two lines appeared, showed me the biggest change in my life. As I write this post my student is resitting his exam. My mum has just made my favourite indian breakfast for me. In a few hours I will teach another class. My student will tell me how his exam went. Tomorrow I am off to see my gynaecologist. I am 26 weeks pregnant. Life is weird. Mine feels unpredictable. I take every day as it comes - I try to stay calm and focused.

26 weeks