You hold my hand and with that simple gesture right now in this very moment me and you turn into we and I no longer need to feel alone. Me + you = we. All the way up to graduation I always disliked math but this one is easy to get and much more approachable than the usual shenanigens.
When you look at me I know we are in this together. The words coming from your mouth tell me so and I believe in them and you. I believe cause I have always believed in people until life showed me that sometimes by doing so you are in the wrong ~ that sometimes you believe until dreams shatter and rooms fill with shock, anger and pieces of a broken heart.
I listen to Jason saying that "the goal is just to stay happy and creative and flued to keep [...] out of that dark place and more fully in that humble space", and I close my eyes. When I wake up it is all gone. You and me and we and the dream of not having to deal with this on my own. I no longer hold that dream that I once created. Instead I left it half way unfinished and boarded the cheapest plane to Germany.
Reality.
We are changing rooms. My mother is stressed, finds it hard to cope with the change and situation. My Dad looks tired and so am I. Tired and lost. It is a big thing for them - something still unexpected and shocking - nothing anyone ever wanted in life. I get impatient. With myself and them and the situation we are in. With no one to turn me and you into a we I primarily only have myself. I tell myself that somehow we have to make it, that it is too late to give up now, that we survived three months and will survive more.
A couple of days ago I found myself in the waiting room of a hospital. I was surrounded by stressed to the max, hormonal, emotional, scared women. Pregnant women. Just like me. Oh yes, we are all in the same boat. Except THEY have all seemed to have husbands or boyfriends by their side holding their bags, holding their hands, holding them together. I bit my lip. I tried not to look at fingers and rings and rings on fingers. I messaged my friend and sister, tried out ways to distract myself. I thought of more names cause I still have only decided on one so far. Names. Babynames. Names with meanings. Middle names. Names for my son and my daugther. I am going to be a parent in less than two months. I wondered how I ended up in this moment of my life. In a waiting room. Full of couples and magazines for couples and their babies.
I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out of this cycle of depression, self pity and the memory of unfinished dreams.
We rearrange furniture, we get rid of things, we stress out. We know life is more than black and white but sometimes we find ourselves in moments where we can not deal with the shades in between. Not in this moment. And so we run around in circles, we curse, we get sad and disappointed and fed up with each other until a few moments, minutes, hours later we put on a brave face and stick together. We know we love each other, need each other and right now depend on one another to deal with this mess. Me and you = we. Maybe right now not boyfriend wise but family wise.
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| A humble place. Luzhou, China - one day after I found out I was pregnant. |
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