On father - mother - child and more

When I grew up the ideal and classical form of a family - father - mother  - child - was all I knew. With time we grew, my sisters became part of our circle but we never broke. When I was in primary school I caught words like seperation or divorce. Families around me were falling apart. It scared me but all of this still remained distant to me. We never fell apart, we were never part of it. I then understood that we were lucky. 

Over the years to come we also had our fair share of problems and trouble but we remained the way we started off with: 2 parents, 3 kids, always accompanied by some form of pet. Fish, bird, rabbit, turtle, dog. You name it. We most like called it our own at some point. 

The day our family started. My parents and me, April 1983

Until we were complete. Me and both of my sisters.

Long before I packed my bags for Germany, before I started showing and regular clothes still fit, I knew that my children, when asked to draw a picture of their family in kindergarden or school, would never draw the picture I used to draw. Their family, our family, would be different from the start. Their family: something I decided for and I believe in, yet something so unfamiliar, has become part of my life and my reality. Maybe this week these thoughts really hit me because I had a bad couple of days. When I tell you that going to work was the highlight of my days, you get an idea of how bad it was and you can just imagine how I spent the rest of my time: in bed, writing, reading, crying, shutting the world out. Either pregnancy is turning me into a hormonal wreck or anxiety has hit me in the face with full power. Maybe it is a combination of both. I knew it would be hard but still, all your doubts and fears still remain distant for a while.You try to prepare yourself the best way you can. You talk to people who understand. You play out scenarios in your head. You constantly remind yourself of your independence, strength, willpower, ambition and intelligence. Until the first time you feel completely lost and scared. The first time you can not stop crying and hide in your bed, scared and hopeless.

Being back from a big adventure abroad, settling back in, finding new friends, organizing things, moving rooms, preparing for the twins, and being pregant. It is a lot to take on right now but I hope I will grow with the challenges I face.

Until then, I breathe, I write, I try to stay calm. From time to time I shut my eyes and ears to the world around me until I am ready again and focus.

You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind ~ 

Darwin P. Kingsley 

Amen.