Nursery coming into life - in baby steps -

Slowely slowely I am collecting stuff for the nursery, creating pictures and plans in my head of how it should- could - might  look like. Money is tight but creativity on good days is there. After days of thinking about the right bed to buy, hopeful visits to Ikea and thrift stores included, I found the hopefully right bed on special offer yesterday and ordered it immediately. The twins will sleep in one bed for the first time, eventually have their own though.

Despite some things that brought me down over the last two days, I found myself in a creative mood today and did some art work for the nursery, mainly the walls. The room will, once finished, mostly be white but have colourful features in it. The picture in my head looks pretty good to me. Let´s hope reality does as well. 

More to follow. 

First design of the day: picture frames. They will later be filled with either pictures or their names as I found super cute stickers a few weeks ago that would go really well with them.

Bag holders ehm... rockinghorses : my sister found both of these on a fleamarket. Currently they only but very well serve as holders for my many many I need to stop buying them bags.

With the idea stolen of the internet I painted this canvas today. Although being a single mom I chose "We" instead of "I" as I wanted to include all the other people in their lives who already love them.

Bed that I ordered yesterday and which will hopefully arrive in a few days and turn out good.

Owl picture from Ikea.

The gift of freedom

Yesterday, like any other day since I came back to Germany, I found the usual couple of messages in my inbox of my chinese messenger. Those messages, sent by students who I taught over the past 1 1/2 years in China, most of the time say the same - very asian - things: I miss you/ How are you?/ What are you doing now?/Where are you now?....(Those of you who have been or are still in China will understand the Asian - ness of it all. At times you can still smile about it. Other times it drives you crazy and becomes a severe case of TBD - Ting bu dong (chinese: I don´t understand.) When I heard the usual and much annoying sound yesterday letting me know that yes, there are people who message me, I was presented with a message which was not only sooooo typical asian for you but which got me thinking....

我的@jia 16:21:24
now.do you have boy friend . he can take care of you .
我的@jia 16:22:13
about your family they are health
我的@jia 16:22:48
best wish for you .happy everyday
我的@jia 16:23:41
are you thin ？ now
我的@jia 16:27:15
if you thin .i think you are beautiful
我的@jia 16:27:40

see you 

In a few lines and bad english my old student had managed to sum up most aspects Asians, whether young or old, are judged and measured by: beauty, family, weight, relationships. Here is how it goes: If you currently don´t have a boyfriend, there MUST be something wrong with you.Wait! Maybe you´re not thin and therefore not beautiful enough! It could also be your skin colour. Too dark?! Yeah, THAT must be the reason why you are currently single. You better run off to the shops immediately and spend all of your income on a ton of cremes and other products with bleach whitening effect in them. Then you pray and hope for the white and the perfect boyfriend to magically appear. Moreover, if your thights are not the size of a toothpick, you NEED to go on a diet immediately - regardless of your age or any other circumstances. Because: no toothpick figure = no boyfriend. No boyfriend = no husband. You get the picture?! Also, if you don´t miss your parents 24/7 there MUST seriously be something wrong with you and it is pretty obvious you don´t love them properly. Sounds weird to you? Been there - seen and heard it all. It is a vicious cycle and to western people the pressure seems crazy high. In the office women have little to talk about besides their clothes, their latest purchase, their hair and their weight. (There is a reason why me and my friend Laura referred to the daily fashion show with female teachers trying to outdo one another in terms of beauty in our schools as the "hooker catwalk" but the tragedy of female asian fashion is another thing...) If you are not the size of a stick, you get called fat on a regular basis. Been there - heard it - hated it. I´ ve seen and talked to students who, despite having to stay in school for more than 13 hours every day, refuse to eat dinner or lunch or both because somewhere someone idiotic made them believe they should loose weight. Now, in an instant, immediately. And, believe me, we are not talking about an obese child here but a very average size teenager who needs nutrition in order to survive the crazy asian marathon of studying every day!

Chinese women protecting their skin from the sun with umbrellas. A very common picture all over China as soon as the sun is out.

My chinese friend and former colleague Ivy. Your picture-perfect chinese woman: Long hair, fair skin, big eyes, small waist and I am sure high heels.

Being back in Germany currently still sucks at times and most days I miss China immensely, but there are certain things I can praise our neck of the woods for. Of course the focus on beauty, fashion and weight is also apparent here. Every time I enter a shop I see young girls eyeing the latest fashion with their girlfriend, then debating which item they should purchase. Still, there is a lot more acceptance and a lot less conformity surrounding us. Instead there is more tolerance as to what is acceptable, more freedom to choose, try out and express yourself. The kids I teach now vary a lot from my chinese one. You see different styles, different roles they try out and all of it seems ok. Their access to freedom of thinking and choice is obvious. Without being forced to fit a certain role, they get to try different things in life, finally and hopefully leading them to be who they are. The immense gift of freedom.

A few years from now my own children will try out different paths. Maybe they are musical like both their parents, and love to hit the dance floors like their mother. Maybe they like football or discover their passion for travelling one day and start travelling like I did when I was 13. Or they loose themselves in the world of literature, and good stories. Maybe it is none of the above. No matter what it is really - I want to be ok with it. Because what I want for them is to be free, to try out different things, to express themselves, to fail and pick themselves up again. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made it in China if I would have stayed. It is pretty certain that my own children would have never had the change to venture out as much. Here they have a chance to be who they wanna be. You never know what you miss till it´s gone - but you also realize what you would have missed out on when you start somewhere new.

1991. Freedom. My sisters and me dressing up, trying out new roles.

20 weeks

Now 20 weeks pregnant it is hard if not impossible for anyone not to recognize I am pregnant. Besides seeing pregnant women on every corner now, I get sympathetic looks from mothers and woman with that extra bump. Strangers all of the sudden have something to talk to me about. "What months are you now?", "When is the baby due?". I even had one lady saying: "Not long now, ey?" I wanted to burst out laughing. 

Also, more than ever I bump into things or spill stuff down my shirt. Unfortunately my hormones are still all over the place. Yesterday I started crying because my Dad refused to take the trash out when I asked him to and today I was on the edge because my mother wondered where all of my Dad's files would go once we start moving rooms for the twins...I mean: WTF, Alex??? Having always been the rather happy and optimistic type, this is seriously tragic. Where are the happy pills for pregnant women? Someone needs to get a move on that one!

My godmothers daugther- in - law gave birth to a 4000 g (!!!!!) boy last night. Imagine I had to carry THAT weight twice! I am pretty sure gravity would either take its toll and I would fall over forward or I would, before any of this could happen, accumulate a team of doctors and nurses to instruct a c - section myself!

Babies are now the size of bananas. Yum. Apparently they are swallowing a lot which is good for their digestive system. Have fun with that, guys!

In the last couple of days piles of books ordered of Amazon have started to arrive. An outcome of my low mood last week. If I don't make any friends, if I feel like crap - I can at least read. Thank you Mrs. Esser, my primary teacher, for teaching me and stuff you, world!

20 weeks

The look inside. Twins at 20 weeks. Still nuts to me.

On father - mother - child and more

When I grew up the ideal and classical form of a family - father - mother  - child - was all I knew. With time we grew, my sisters became part of our circle but we never broke. When I was in primary school I caught words like seperation or divorce. Families around me were falling apart. It scared me but all of this still remained distant to me. We never fell apart, we were never part of it. I then understood that we were lucky. 

Over the years to come we also had our fair share of problems and trouble but we remained the way we started off with: 2 parents, 3 kids, always accompanied by some form of pet. Fish, bird, rabbit, turtle, dog. You name it. We most like called it our own at some point. 

The day our family started. My parents and me, April 1983

Until we were complete. Me and both of my sisters.

Long before I packed my bags for Germany, before I started showing and regular clothes still fit, I knew that my children, when asked to draw a picture of their family in kindergarden or school, would never draw the picture I used to draw. Their family, our family, would be different from the start. Their family: something I decided for and I believe in, yet something so unfamiliar, has become part of my life and my reality. Maybe this week these thoughts really hit me because I had a bad couple of days. When I tell you that going to work was the highlight of my days, you get an idea of how bad it was and you can just imagine how I spent the rest of my time: in bed, writing, reading, crying, shutting the world out. Either pregnancy is turning me into a hormonal wreck or anxiety has hit me in the face with full power. Maybe it is a combination of both. I knew it would be hard but still, all your doubts and fears still remain distant for a while.You try to prepare yourself the best way you can. You talk to people who understand. You play out scenarios in your head. You constantly remind yourself of your independence, strength, willpower, ambition and intelligence. Until the first time you feel completely lost and scared. The first time you can not stop crying and hide in your bed, scared and hopeless.

Being back from a big adventure abroad, settling back in, finding new friends, organizing things, moving rooms, preparing for the twins, and being pregant. It is a lot to take on right now but I hope I will grow with the challenges I face.

Until then, I breathe, I write, I try to stay calm. From time to time I shut my eyes and ears to the world around me until I am ready again and focus.

You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind ~ 

Darwin P. Kingsley 

Amen.

Dear tiny dancers,

When I first heard about you, you were nothing but two lines on a stick. In a local chinese hospital you appeared as two dots on a piece of paper. With time you grew into bigger dots until you became part of my days, my thoughts, my wishes, hopes - finally my heart. When I heard your heartbeat for the first time I feel in love. Lying on that dirty hospital bed I knew deciding against an abortion despite all the chaos surrounding me was the best I did. I started daydreaming about your faces and how you might look like, the talents you would have and how you would see the world. I started looking at names, and talking about you. More and more you became apparent. I knew I wanted to show you the world, yet protect you the best I can. I started collecting stuff for your room, creating a picture in my head of how it should look like. No longer are my shopping bags filled with the usual shoes or bags for myself but tiny outfits for you.

This week you are the size of a heirloom tomatoe. Everybody keeps asking me if I feel your movements yet but I don´t. Still, I know you are moving and kicking and I know that all the tiredness and exhaustion, the uncomfortableness and a steadily higher number on the scale are worth it because already you are the loves of my life.

April  - July

Youth is never wasted on the young

When I arrived in China I did not know what to expect really. I remember beeing shown my office, walking down the big halls, loosing my way, thinking: How the hell will I ever find my way around here? I remember passing students, their first reactions - excitement, shock and surprise in their faces, quickly followed by first shy “Hellos”.

I stepped out of the aircraft with the biggest passion for English, with hope and enthusiasm but it was a gamble whether it would work out or not. I had worked with young people before, I was more than interested in foreign cultures but could I make this work? I didn´t know a single word of chinese, I knew Beijing was the country`s capital and that chopsticks would be my new cutlery but was that enough to survive a year of being the only foreign teacher at a chinese high school???? Moreover, could I be a good teacher to them, and maybe even more than that???

Against all doubts I didn´t pack my bags but entered this unfamiliar territory, took one deep breaths, put on a smile and began my new job adventure. Of course it did not always go well, there was much to learn, but I remained focused, kept an open mind every day and tried.

Weeks and months passed, unknown faces turned into familar ones, new names entered my mind and remained, stories were told and memories made. Slowely unfamiliar doors opened – I was let into new worlds - their worlds - and I let them be part of mine. I was no longer a rumour they had heard about months before but someone real they could turn to for anything really. A smile, a chat, advice, help.

I saw the excitement in their eyes when I entered their classes every week, I noticed the happy and sad faces they put on, I saw forms of development with some of them. And so I became interested. Interest then turned into passion. For them I tried to be the best I could be. I listened, I cared, I entered every room with a smile and a passion for what I do knowing that my efforts would instantly be returned. A smile, laugther, a note after class, a raised hand for the first time...It was enough to keep me going.

When it was time to say good bye the effect I had on these kids, the hours of teaching, singing, playing games, dancing, enouraging them over and over again showed. It was a week of good byes, tears, presents, letters and sad faces. I no longer went to class with a smile on my face but I knew this was as much part of it as everything that had happened before.

I left for a new and warmer place, new adventures, new faces, a new school, ready to do it all over again. Except this time I was a bit more prepared. I kept memories, moments, smiles, laughter and much much experience. 

Youth is never wasted on the young. 

Thoughts on the world around me...

We live in a society where security, to most people, counts for more than anything. Be rational, do it right, take the right steps at the right times, finish school, go to uni,  maybe go abroad, graduate, work, meet a guy but not just any guy, build a house, buy a dog, have a baby. (You might think I am taking this to the extreme here and maybe I do but I am looking around me and THIS is what I see.)

Now THIS was never me. I know my parents would have liked it to happen (and really I know my mum has never given up on it) but with me it just didn’t happen THIS way.

Yes, I finished school and graduated from uni, went abroad in between but even while doing all these things my life was never straight forward but chaotic at times.

I moved houses what felt like a thousand times, certainly was never your straight A student who prioritized uni over other things, worked several jobs, got engaged, almost moved abroad but then everything changed again. Somehow there was always something going on, some drama involved.. After uni then, my time to swim against the current, doing what most people would not do, really started and transferred me to the other side of the world.

Now, being back, I am forced to look around me. I look at people who did it ‘right’ – who followed the road that screams security. I can not help but compare their lives to mine – the seemingly picture perfect against the well...chaos, unknown, unplanned, unsecured …I could go on.

Some days I am good, on others I want to close my eyes, scream, then run away and hide.

But what if my path was their path now? Would it make it all easier, all better? What about all the experiences, the joy, the sadness, the adventures of my life I am blessed to have made so far?

Hopping on a plane to China without a single word of Chinese, only a few days later standing in front of 55 students on my own being the only foreign teacher at a public chinese high school? Secure a job  with good pay and benefits– don’t quite,  try and move up the career ladder as soon as you can!

Sleeping in a real cave somewhere in the middle of nowhere in south east China with the picture of a dead chinese grandmother hanging over your head, eating snails for dinner – freshly caught from the lake next door?

Go on an all inclusive holiday in a resort not too far away with your perfect hubby and your continental breakfast served every morning between 7 am and 11.30.

Singing in front of 2000 students and teachers as the only foreigner at a highschool summer party having practiced the song for weeks and weeks over and over again with your student who will perform with you?

Meet the girls once a week for a night out while your hubby is out with the boys.

Security, security, security.

There are times I know little but what I do know is that THIS is me. THIS: the madness, the unknown, the adventurous, the chaotic. THIS is me.

I feel in love with traveling when my parents first sent me abroad at the age of 13. I went away, I proved myself, I survived, I learned and experienced, I came back to do it all over again. I can not imagine my life without the adventures I chose to go on, without all the people I got to meet, the difficulties I learned to overcome, knowing that venturing out into the unknown and then proving myself is one of the things that made me grow the most.

Yes it is true. Right now all those people that went a different way have it easier. They are financially secure, they can plan ahead and most likely they will never find themselves alone, two tiny dancers inside a growing belly back in the house they grew up in. They are happy in their world and I respect that. My world is different but it doesn’t make it less worthy.

 

For now we have little but we make it work.

People make life work with a lot less and I ‘ve seen it with my own eyes.

We'll get there. Step by step.

Venture out. Into the unknown. It's good for the soul.

                                   

The news that shocked my world.

I still remember how in 2009 I thought my life was falling apart. How dreams and hopes shattered, how little by little I picked up the pieces, somehow survived a marathon of graduation exams, and after sat in front of the computer in my parents house with a broken heart and very little patience.
I remember how, when I ended up in China, I often thought that life is funny and that I didn´t get mine.
Later then, I figured that things must happen for a reason - that going away had to happen as it enriched my life in ways I had never imagined.
I remember how years ago I stumbled across my first parenting blog, how I feel in love with it immediately and have followed it ever since. Not much long after Amazon orders would arrive and I would loose myself in the world of babies, parenting and the thought of having a family.
I remember the day me and my ex fiance sat down naming our yet to come children and how happy it made me.

I remembered none of this when two lines appeared on a saturday morning in a bathroom in the south - east of China. Minutes of shock, a body that would not stop shaking and another pregnancy test later confirmed what I had dreamed of for an entire week, before buying two tests at a local pharmacy, a dictionary in my hand and fear in my eyes: Preggers, preggo, pregnant. Me. Me? Me!

I´m gonna spare you full details but "total mess" are words best to describe the weeks and months that followed.

Similar to when I went through my break up I pulled myself together, took each day at a time, worked full hours, contemplated, cried, vomitted, cried some more and decided for life.

The next big news, not long after, shocked me again: I was expecting twins! (Believe me, I did not see the good in this for a long time...) Again, I held onto my decision, filling my ears with Jason Mraz singing: "Everything will be fine. Everything in no time at all ", convincing myself that I  we would be ok.

I knew the best thing to do would be to leave. For a number of reasons.
I would be alone, I would require my family`s help, I hardly had any friends left in my hometown, I knew it would put my dreams on hold for a while but I took deep breaths and remained focused. After I found myself on a chinese hospital bed listening to two healthy heartbeats for the first time, while glancing over at my friend Laura, who had accompanied me, both of us thinking: This is nuts!, I said goodbye and left.

So here we are.
2 weeks in and 17 weeks pregnant.
I am trying.
I have good days and bad ones.
Sometimes I feel at ease  - sometimes completely lost.
I fail and I pick myself up.
All for two little hearts beating inside me.

I watch my body change, my belly grow with every week - amazed how in a few months I will be someones mother.

"Everything will be fine. Everything in no time at all."

Thank you, Jason!*

My very first ultrasound.

*And thank you Laura and Ashley for being my rocks during the last few months. I <3 you.