Patio thoughts

Maybe I have thirty minutes. Maybe an hour. Whatever it is - currently it is enough. Enough for me to hammer down the thoughts on my mind, knowing that once again writing will help me to clear my mind. With one foot rocking Noah in his baby swing and one eye speying on Nele who is taking her afternoon nap in the pram I believe twin mums are masters of multitasking. Two arms are not enough for two kids but hello do you learn what can - must -  be done with them. You learn cause you have to.When life throws the impossible at you, you face the big G´s: Give in, give up or give it your all. Number three is definitely the most exhausting. But three became my number.

Last week I attended my highschool reunion. Class of 2002 - man I´m getting old. Back when I did not think I would ever ever end up back in Germany I did not want to go. I felt disconnected. Disconnected to my country - the town where I grew up - my old self and life. Then life took an impossible path, overnight everything changed and when I found myself in the midst of twin mania land and in a position where I was more than looking forward to attend some sort of social event for once I went. I went and it was good. Not only was it good to get out, but to reconnect with some people while leaving others aside. 

If you let it happen ten years can do a lot to you. I know that the second I entered the plane to China I let life happen. I had finished my degree and although I did not study what my mother wished me to - can you ever ever meet the demands and expectations of an indian family?! - I had done well and I am glad my mother is the all time pusher she is and will always be and made me use my academic abilities to the max. In Düsseldorf, western Germany, I boarded my plane and it all happened. Until two years later two lines appeared on pregnancy test on a saturday morning I did not want to come back. In fact I did not want to come back for a while after that either but that is another story. 

Right before I left the reunion party I got to talk to girl who used to be a friend for a while who told me that she always thought she would end up back in this town but now she does not think she ever will. "Funny", I told her, "I never thought I would end up back here, let alone Germany, and now I am." 

Some days I feel trapped. Trapped and alone and defeated. I am still not sure if I can make this part of the world mine - sometimes I still feel pretty disconnected. But I am trying. Trying to see the good and feel the good. Be the optimist I want to be. There is still so much to see and do... My feet are itching, ready to jump on a plane and explore. Only this time things are different. It is no longer me and my Lonely Planet on a plane to Beijing. It is the magic number 3. Noah, Nele and me. I have responsibilities, diapers to buy and milk to feed. Maybe this is part of growing up - being a parent - for me it still feels big.

Still, I look around - of course as I finish this post I realize I did not even have half an hour - both kids are up again - and see that every day I get to laugh and smile. Every day I get to look at two healthy children. If I want I also get to look back at a crazy pregancy story and a very difficult and dangerous birth and see that we have made it through all of this. I never wanted to end up back here but it might have saved our lives. 

My incredible, insane, wonderful twins - thank you for all of this. Much much love, mummy. 

Rush Hour Part 6342

I wish I could sit down. Sit down and write. Write down the thoughts and emotions, ups and downs that I am going through. Day by day. Already they would fill a book. Instead I rush. I rush until I think I can´t do it no more but even when I try to stop for a minute I don´t allow myself to do so. 24/7 hr shifts - life of the single parent. It´s been six months (already?! Wait - what?! I am sure I only left the labour ward yesterday. Or was it the day before?!) and I am sure I have hit every emotion you can think of: all the way from happiness, pride, a feel of destiny to the dark dark (but yet so normal and only to be expected ) side of desperation, hopelessness and finally immense immense stress. Stress cause I can not sleep. (Yep, I did think they would be sleeping through the night by now but no no - not with these ones. I mean being awake at 1, 3, 5 am is so much more interesting...) Stress cause there is too much bad karma in my life. Stress cause sometimes I can not be the mother I want to be. I stress, stress, stress. Bad for the mind. Bad for the soul. Bad for my health. Bad, bad Alex.

Last week my mum went on holiday. 3 days. 3 pathetic days. And nothing and I mean from A to Z NOTHING worked out. Too much went wrong, I stressed and stressed and with that the kids were insanly cranky and with their (holy) routine out of the window my mum came back to an emotional mess. Stressed mother - stressed children. At the end of my 20s I feel like a member of the teenage pregnant society. 

BUT  (check out: here comes the wise me. Hah!) I look back at those days now and know they taught me something. I know now that if I can not be a happy mother to my children (at least to a decent extent) if I stress too much - the twins stress. I am someones - their - person now and really what kind of person do you want infront of you? Certainly not someone that deserves a place at the loony bin.

So I try and chill. Try to ignore the bad vibes I am getting left right and center, try to focus and create little steps that will lead to something big - thank you, Jade. You are my ozzie hero <3 

I had to learn that not everyone in my life supports my decision and the path I took. Some might have liked to see it happen differently or not happening at all. It is a hard thing to learn and live with but once again - thank you Mr. Morrison - "the only way is up".

In the meantime, and until a soonish and hopefully more positive entry -  some pics: 

Love is a four letter word.

It didn´t happen over night, in fact it did not happen for a while but it hit me at half nine on a monday night after the twins had gotten their second round of shots earlier that day and Nele had a high fever. I watched my mother hold her trembling body, saw her weakness and pain - when all of the sudden: incredible love, a feel of responsibility and care - motherly love. I started to cry which felt stupid at the time cause there is the child and I am the adult but I could not help myself. I cried cause I could not stand seeing her like this. All  I wanted was to make it better, make the fever go away and be there for her. Shortly after she was better but I like to think that this event led to a new acceptance as my role as a mother. 

Yesterday the twins turned 4 months which is crazy cause I don´t think time has ever gone by so quickly. My days are sometimes still crazy and unpredictable and exhausting but with ever week it gets better. For some mothers - or at least they say so - it happens quickly but with two infants or just in my case it took time. Time to get to know them. Time to learn that they are different - that Noah likes me to sing him a song while he sits on my lap while his sister, Nele, likes to be carried around so she can see whats going on around her. Time to learn that my life is different now but that different does not mean worse than before- just different. 

Most days and when I am not busy working or finding myself in a pool surrounded by a dozen other moms all trying to get back in shape I stay at home cause the second you give birth to twins your mobility goes down the drain. Sometimes it bugs me and I get annoyed but I only need to remind myself of the copious attempts I made taking the twins out for more than a walk into town and the drama it involved and I am happily sitting here with a cup of coffee in my hand and laptop in front.

Last weekend baby swimming class started and as I am going back to work August this year and probably won´t have much time for extra baby shenanigens then I enrolled the twins for this hour of fun. With Nele not being a fan of water for weeks I dreaded the class but miraculously the second we entered the swimming pool  both of them were happy and fine and quiet. With about ten other babies in the pool we sang awefully cute children songs, caried our babies in circles through the water and later exploded with pride cause "I can´t believe it - Nele did not scream". I know it sounds tragic but I loved it. I loved taking them to the pool, doing stuff with them, watching them enjoy the water, telling myself secretly that Nele was definitely the prettiest girl.

After the first 3 months which were pure madness life is getting a new exciting exhausting and amazing shape now. I know there is still so much more to come and although it means hard work and very little me time I am loving it.

Love is a four letter word. Sometimes all it takes is a little time. 

3 months...

Dear Noah,

today you are 3 months old. 

On June 18th I was told I would have a son. I will never forget the moment the doctor told me. I was by myself looking at the screen above my head when she told me. Back then you were only 18 weeks old. The screen was a puzzle of black and white  - back then all still a mystery to me. I watched the screen and cried. I only got back to Germany a week ago and adjusting to life here was difficult at the time but those few words made my day. 

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I had wanted a son. I remember sitting on my bed in my chinese appartment thinking of boys names and how you would look like. Your name - Noah - was my first choice and remained it throughout. During my pregnancy I had two strong encounters. Both linked to the name James. Both times it was something that guided me through the 9 months - during my time in China, my decision to leave and return back to Germany, during the 3 months I spent in hospital - all along giving me hope and strength. That´s why I chose James as your middle name. One day I will tell you the whole story. 

On November 26th you were born and although I did not get to see you until a day later I already knew you would make it. Make it out of the intensive care unit and into my arms. The second I saw you you entered my heart. You were so beautiful to me  - you still are. You are the boy who was too weak to drink a single drop on his first day and who does not seem to stop drinking now ; ) You are a fighter Noah and every day I am grateful that you are healthy.

Every week you grow more. You slowely start to smile and when you do my heart fills with love. I can not wait to see you grow up but I know the time will come too soon. Every mother tells me so.

Dear Noah, happy birthday my little prince. You are life. I love you with all my heart. 

Dear Nele,

today you are 3 months old.

I felt your kicks long before I could feel your brother move. You were bright, you were lively so I pictured you as a little dancer.

When you were born you were the tiniest thing I had ever seen but somehow I was not scared of holding you. Others were but I wasn´t. I knew I could not hurt you. While Noah was still in intensive care you and me held hands or hands and fingers - you were tiny but you were full of life.

The past 3 months have been challenging with you. You were colicky and I struggled. For days and weeks me and your grandmother tried our best to comfort you. Sometimes it worked. Now you are better and I hope it will continue like this.

Way before your brother you started smiling and every day you smile more. You have the most beautiful smile to me and I can not get enough of it. Knowing that you recognize, need and love me is the best feeling in the world. It makes up for all the hard work and long hours and stress.

Nele, to me you are beautiful. Every morning when I dress you I believe I have the most beautiful daugther in the world but I know every mother does.

I can not wait to see you growing up. To me you are full of life. With big eyes you observe the world around you and smile. Maybe you are an adventurer like me. I hope I can show you how big the world and how beautiful life is. 

Dear Nele, happy birthday my little angel. You are full of life. I love you deeply.

~ Always, Mummy.

Last week things seemed to have gotten easier. Mornings on my own when my mother goes to work did not bother me anymore. For the first time. Ever. Instead of greeting my mum at 2pm in my pjs I showered, got dressed, did my hair and put make up own. I felt good, I felt in charge, I felt at ease. It does not happen very often. It was BIG. THEN Nele slept through the night and although Noah didn´t it felt amazing and good and like another major step. I remember that I read  in a book that "one day you will wake up and feel a bit more normal again" and I thought: This me! I do feel a bit more normal today. BUT then the weekend came and somehow we were back to square one: Nele did not sleep through the night, in fact did not sleep at all but screamed, screamed and screamed. My parents and me went to have coffee with some family friends and Nele slept through it all but I spent the good afternoon carrying Noah with one arm while using to other to eat. Yesterday my sister and me then experienced another highlight when I had to carry Nele for what felt like 50 km through town cause she was screaming her lungs out lying in the pram. The pram. The pram always work. Voila: weekend of twin dramas. What the hell is going on?! Between tears and feeling hopeless I asked myself multiple times but there simply is no answer to this.

So for now, for me and us this is how it goes: There simply is no plan to this. I take every day as it comes. Some days are ok, last week was even good, some days I pray that I will make it till bedtime and then I pray that it will get easier and better. Nele screams and is restless for most of the day while Noah is calm and loves to look at the bears above his bed. But in the morning it only takes for me to call her name and Nele will put on the most amazing smile. When she is not screaming.she smiles. Smiles at her grandparents and aunts and the bears above her bed. She smiles until she puts a smile on everyones face. And for a brief moment I forget the troubles and insanity of it all.

My wonderfully terrible two: With you I rush and run and climb a thousand stairs every day and try my best to comfort you. You are  better than any diet, any exercise plan. With you I have lost 15kg already and am only 5kg away from my previous weight.

Noah 12 weeks

Nele 12 weeks

We <3 pink. ; )

This week...

"Cause when you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while" (Bruno Mars, The way you are)

Words of an honest mum...Part 2

"Another twin mum. Yeay. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, nice to meet you too. ... So, how is it going?"

"Ehm. Yeah. Pretty exhausting ey?! I mean let's be honest...two kids...not so easy."

"Well I don't know. I find it easy to be honest...."

"???"

And so I hang up. Another twin mum - another story but EASY?! You have got to be kidding me. Maybe I suck at this, maybe I am making a thousand mistakes every week, maybe I am still learning to live with dirty diapers, milk and spit, maybe I am just tired but still: EASY??? I hang up knowing that I will never talk to this person again, that the person on the other end of the line is a thousand miles away from what I feel.

The last couple of weeks have been intense and  insane with both twins screaming until midnight, refusing to go to sleep, refusing to calm down...I have been on the edge multiple times and when I am not I am rushing around trying to organize their life - my life. I decided to do this by myself because it was the best for me and them at the time but being responsible for EVERYTHING makes you tired and hopeless and sometimes I shake my head and picture my life without them until I feel guilty and selfish. 

I went back to work this week, teaching one class per week and I loved it. I loved it although my students were annoying and lazy and hard work. I loved it cause for once I was someone else - someone I know and can count on. 

For 90 minutes I teach, help them with their homework, listen to their story - how much they dislike their teacher and what made their day. This is me. For 90 minutes I am in control again. I know what to do until  I go home to find two infants are screaming their lungs out refusing to sleep. With rings under my eyes getting bigger by the day I go home to find a very helpless me.

Sometimes everything seems to have changed. Maybe I have changed too. I have entered a new world but am still trying to find my way around it. But although  I am tired and lonely and exhausted I want to be a part of it: the mums club. Until now I suck at it. I suck cause it is hard to find people like me, people who adore their sons eyelashs or their daughters smile but more than often are too tired to pay attention to the beauty of it all. Mums who find themselves too busy to eat, sometimes too busy for anything but caring about their kids, who need time to get used to it, who are happy to go to work cause milk and diapers are just not enough for now. Instead I talk to super twin mum who does not seem real the second I hang up.

So I sit down and write. Words of an honest mum. Write down the fear and tiredness, hoping and waiting to meet more who share the same story.

Nele, 9 weeks

Noah, 9 weeks