3 months...

Dear Noah,

today you are 3 months old. 

On June 18th I was told I would have a son. I will never forget the moment the doctor told me. I was by myself looking at the screen above my head when she told me. Back then you were only 18 weeks old. The screen was a puzzle of black and white  - back then all still a mystery to me. I watched the screen and cried. I only got back to Germany a week ago and adjusting to life here was difficult at the time but those few words made my day. 

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I had wanted a son. I remember sitting on my bed in my chinese appartment thinking of boys names and how you would look like. Your name - Noah - was my first choice and remained it throughout. During my pregnancy I had two strong encounters. Both linked to the name James. Both times it was something that guided me through the 9 months - during my time in China, my decision to leave and return back to Germany, during the 3 months I spent in hospital - all along giving me hope and strength. That´s why I chose James as your middle name. One day I will tell you the whole story. 

On November 26th you were born and although I did not get to see you until a day later I already knew you would make it. Make it out of the intensive care unit and into my arms. The second I saw you you entered my heart. You were so beautiful to me  - you still are. You are the boy who was too weak to drink a single drop on his first day and who does not seem to stop drinking now ; ) You are a fighter Noah and every day I am grateful that you are healthy.

Every week you grow more. You slowely start to smile and when you do my heart fills with love. I can not wait to see you grow up but I know the time will come too soon. Every mother tells me so.

Dear Noah, happy birthday my little prince. You are life. I love you with all my heart. 

Dear Nele,

today you are 3 months old.

I felt your kicks long before I could feel your brother move. You were bright, you were lively so I pictured you as a little dancer.

When you were born you were the tiniest thing I had ever seen but somehow I was not scared of holding you. Others were but I wasn´t. I knew I could not hurt you. While Noah was still in intensive care you and me held hands or hands and fingers - you were tiny but you were full of life.

The past 3 months have been challenging with you. You were colicky and I struggled. For days and weeks me and your grandmother tried our best to comfort you. Sometimes it worked. Now you are better and I hope it will continue like this.

Way before your brother you started smiling and every day you smile more. You have the most beautiful smile to me and I can not get enough of it. Knowing that you recognize, need and love me is the best feeling in the world. It makes up for all the hard work and long hours and stress.

Nele, to me you are beautiful. Every morning when I dress you I believe I have the most beautiful daugther in the world but I know every mother does.

I can not wait to see you growing up. To me you are full of life. With big eyes you observe the world around you and smile. Maybe you are an adventurer like me. I hope I can show you how big the world and how beautiful life is. 

Dear Nele, happy birthday my little angel. You are full of life. I love you deeply.

~ Always, Mummy.