Words of an honest mum...Part 2

"Another twin mum. Yeay. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, nice to meet you too. ... So, how is it going?"

"Ehm. Yeah. Pretty exhausting ey?! I mean let's be honest...two kids...not so easy."

"Well I don't know. I find it easy to be honest...."

"???"

And so I hang up. Another twin mum - another story but EASY?! You have got to be kidding me. Maybe I suck at this, maybe I am making a thousand mistakes every week, maybe I am still learning to live with dirty diapers, milk and spit, maybe I am just tired but still: EASY??? I hang up knowing that I will never talk to this person again, that the person on the other end of the line is a thousand miles away from what I feel.

The last couple of weeks have been intense and  insane with both twins screaming until midnight, refusing to go to sleep, refusing to calm down...I have been on the edge multiple times and when I am not I am rushing around trying to organize their life - my life. I decided to do this by myself because it was the best for me and them at the time but being responsible for EVERYTHING makes you tired and hopeless and sometimes I shake my head and picture my life without them until I feel guilty and selfish. 

I went back to work this week, teaching one class per week and I loved it. I loved it although my students were annoying and lazy and hard work. I loved it cause for once I was someone else - someone I know and can count on. 

For 90 minutes I teach, help them with their homework, listen to their story - how much they dislike their teacher and what made their day. This is me. For 90 minutes I am in control again. I know what to do until  I go home to find two infants are screaming their lungs out refusing to sleep. With rings under my eyes getting bigger by the day I go home to find a very helpless me.

Sometimes everything seems to have changed. Maybe I have changed too. I have entered a new world but am still trying to find my way around it. But although  I am tired and lonely and exhausted I want to be a part of it: the mums club. Until now I suck at it. I suck cause it is hard to find people like me, people who adore their sons eyelashs or their daughters smile but more than often are too tired to pay attention to the beauty of it all. Mums who find themselves too busy to eat, sometimes too busy for anything but caring about their kids, who need time to get used to it, who are happy to go to work cause milk and diapers are just not enough for now. Instead I talk to super twin mum who does not seem real the second I hang up.

So I sit down and write. Words of an honest mum. Write down the fear and tiredness, hoping and waiting to meet more who share the same story.

Nele, 9 weeks

Noah, 9 weeks

Talk (in pictures)

Together we

explore the world around us more and more

put on hats and cuddle

slowely start to smile

try to capture moments in between exhaustion and tiredness 

and secretly applying for the womens national football team. 

7 weeks

7 weeks of Nele and Noah.

7 weeks of days, hours, minutes and seconds that seem to fly by and are filled with everything from desperation and tiredness to life, love and laughter. I followed my heart when I decided to leave China, move back to Germany, enter the unknown and unplanned -  all to be a mum. Days, weeks. months passed, my belly grew, my body changed, I went into labour. Now I am a mum but nothing and no one could have prepared me for the changes that came and keep coming with this new life. Although the market is filled with books and magazines to buy, clubs and classes to take being a mum is something one has to learn with time. Day by day. Every child is different, twins are a challenge on their own and most of the time this still feels big, is still overwhelming to me. Sometimes I wake up, look around and need a second to remember that this is me now: Mum to twins. I have a son. And a daugther. Sometimes it is already a good day when I get to shower, put make up on and make my bed. Sometimes I think I got the hang of it now until someone starts screaming - screams and screams until I feel helpless. Sometimes I curse my mother because she knows better than me, then I get angry at myself because I know I can not do this on my own but don´t want to admit it. Sometimes I look at old videos, watch the free spirit I was only year ago. Hop on a bus on a friday afternoon after class for another weekend filled with nights that end in drunken BBQs never end, dances in our favourite club, meeting new people, cheap hang over lunches and the bus ride back that I always dreaded because I knew I would bump into my students when I was too hung over to talk. I miss this life. Sometimes I want it back. Just for a day. When days sometimes only seem to revolve around changing diapers and bottles filled with milk life can get scary and I get scared. Then I ask my mom to watch Noah and Nele for an hour. So I can drive into town and be free. For an hour. I do so until I get nervous. Until I rush in and out of stores, refuse to put on stuff because I can not stop thinking about Noah and Nele. I make my way back. Empty handed. This new life needs time to get used to. With time I hope - wish - know this will get easier. James Morrison is singing "The only way is up". I believe him.

7 weeks of Noah, Nele and me:

Noah and Nele minus 2 days old

3 days

7 weeks

 

 

Words of an honest mum...Part 1

Getting pregnant, being pregnant, carrying two children for 9 months, watching my belly almost explode, going into labour, giving birth, seeing Noah and Nele for the first time, knowing that they are healthy - a miracle. Being a mum is everything. There are moments, minutes, days filled with love and nothing but gratitude for being able to experience all of this. Then there are times when I feel lost, when the work and stress gets to me and I believe I suck at this. Immensely.

Being a mum is more than I ever thought it would be - the biggest change in my life. It takes time to get used to this new life, to having two babies around, to days where I don't seem to count anymore, where I look at the clock to see that it is 1pm and I have not had the chance to eat yet, to weekends revolving around bottles filled with milk instead of liquor.

I always wanted children. Over the years I dreamed of being someones mum. Now I am someones mum. Twice. I am someones mum but looking around me I know nothing is the way I thought it would be. Most people have one child and are together. Two people - one child. I am by myself and have two children. At times I can cope with it, sometimes loneliness gets the better of me.

I then wish I could around and find that someone by my side who can share the story with me but  when I turn and there is the best family I could ask for no one. It is times like this when this happens and I feel lost....

I feel lost but somehow I carry on, put aside the fear and sadness, hug my kids and tell myself that we will be ok in the end. I tell myself, look at Noah and Nele, then move on. It is when the above is forgotten, when tears are dried, heartbeats slow down, I calm down. It is when I see this

that I know two children is a ton of work but also bigger and more amazing than anything I have ever done in life.

Dear Noah,

I look at you and I see beauty. You are calm and beautiful. Sometimes I can not take my eyes of you. That's how beautiful you are to me. In a family full of women you are our little prince around. I adore you. You had a rough start to life and I did not get to see you for almost two days after you were born. I was still on the operating table when the doctors rushed you into intensive care. I will never forget the moment when I woke up and was told that you were not there. My heart broke. I will also never forget how the nurse put me in a wheelchair the next day so I could go and see you for ten minutes. Even surrounded by what felt like a thousand machines my only thought was how beautiful you are to me. I was overwhelmed and cried while you laid in my arms. You were so much bigger than your sister, yet you seemed so weak. I will never forget how you joined me and Nele two days later and how worried I was cause you were weak. I could hardly move myself but I tried my best to be there for you, to hold you and show you that you are loved. With time you recovered well and I am so proud of you. You are a fighter. My little Noah, just like when I was pregnant with you, you are the calmer one. You love to be carried around and to cuddle. I love to sleep next to you, knowing that you feel safe and loved by my side. You make me feel needed and loved. I love you with all my heart. You are amazing.

Noah 3 weeks old.

Dear Nele,

when I look at you I see perfection. Many times it still feels unreal to me. I want to pinch myself because I can not believe you are my daughter, that I get to call you mine from now on. Most of the time you are the funniest thing around. Thank you for making me laugh so much. Even when I don't feel like getting up at 4am you put a smile on my face and make me forget how tired I am. Just like when I was still pregnant you move quickly, your eyes moving fast, observing the world around you. You are witty and full of life. People adore you cause you look like a little doll. My little doll. They love you for your cuteness. Days after you were born you started smiling. I love your smile. I will never forget the two days me and you had together after you were born and your brother was still in intensive care. Although I could hardly move I tried my best or rang the bell so I could hold you. I fed you and held you under my blanket. You grabbed my finger and held on tight as if you wanted to tell me that you are here with me. At night I could not stop looking at you, unable to believe you are mine now. My little Nele, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for making my days brighter, for making me smile and laugh every day. You are amazing.

Nele 3 weeks old.

The story of Noah and Nele

Drinking chinese tea in a state of being completely lost and heart broken my friend Laura asked me in April this year: "I mean what is the greatest thing you ever done in your life?" Getting my driving liscence, graduating from uni, picking myself up when the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with left me????!!!! - I looked at her and nodded but at the time I was too lost to know the answer. We were sitting in her living room which was cold as always but had become a little piece of home since I moved to the south east of China. I was about 5 weeks pregnant and completely lost. 7 months later, on November 26th when the story of Nele and Noah began and I knew what she meant. No book, no class, no one could have prepared me for what had happened until then. When two lines appeared on a stick, I entered the complete unknown and followed my heart. Flying back to Germany, feeling lost and strange in a place I had not lived in for years, slowely adjusting back to life, teaching, making new friends, passing out on my bed and getting rushed into hospital with early contractions at 30 weeks, being bed ridden for weeks, then spending a total of 8 weeks in hospital  until on nov 24th labour was induced, giving birth to two healthy children - the greatest things I have ever done.

Nov 24th, the day  I was about to explode labour was induced

Two days of heavy contractions, one natural birth (Nele was born at 12.01 pm on sat 26th) and one nightmare emergency c section (Noah was born at 12.25pm) later the wait was over, I was a mum and my body and mind COMPLETELY exhausted in love. The past 3 weeks have been exhausting, tiering, incredible and amazing. It took us another 2 weeks to recover until last week after being in hospital for 10 weeks total we got to go home. There are a million things to tell, a thousand moments worth writing about but with time being too short for now: 

Introducing

Nele Sophie

born Nov 26th, 12.01 pm

 44cm, 2370 gramm

 &

Noah James

born Nov 26th, 12.25pm

53 cm, 2820 gramm

Nele&Noah, 3 days old.

Noah & Nele, 3 weeks old

I will tell the rest and much more as soon as I can. Thank you everyone who has been a part of this amazing journey. I love you.