Hello. My name is Alex. Really nice to meet you. In a few - three, maybe four, maybe ??? - months I will be a mum.Yes, that´s right. Me - the girl that went half way round the globe with much enthusiasm, optimism, too many clothes and not a single word of chinese will be a mum. First time. But not just any mum. Oh no, no, no. Someone up there really meant well for me cause - due to charming circumstances - I will be a single mother AND not of one child but how the f*** did THAT happen two children! Yeah that´s right. I, moi, woa will have twins. Yeah, you heard me. Ain`t I lucky???? Really - all I ever wanted. Thanks for listening. I am about to jump off the nearest bridge now. Have a good day now - Byeeeee.
On bad days I still feel a bit like the above. Luckily most days are good ones and I ignore the madness and the sadness and the tragic of it all and put on a smile. Cause really - what else can I do?!
It still sucks being at home, having to hide your tattoos cause your mum is close to disinherit you any second now, seeing your younger sister looking at new and big ass flats, reading how much your old students miss you... Sometimes I wanna turn back time, most bad days I don´t get my life and that´s when I feel like grabbing my friends Laura and Ashley to go back to where we were only 2 months ago: our little Hollywood, Tian Li Gardens with Jägerlids in the ground, Mc Donalds between 11am and 2pm for a portion of lunch special by the window and Cocos at 11pm on a saturday night followed by 200 dumplings ordered by my drunken flatmate. Life was simple yet mad. We complained but we loved it.
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| Just another saturday in Little Hollywood. |
Instead I am short on cash, short on friends (well some who live near me at least), short on a sense of belonging and short on patience. I can offer a big belly, quite a fair amount of baby clothes in my closet, and TWO maternity records though. Isn´t that SOMETHING?! Yeah - that´s how I feel sometimes. What happened to standing in front of 70 chinese teenagers, riding 13 hours on chinese trains to save money but gain another adventure, taking the bus to see my friends every friday afternoon for a weekend of madness, too many drinks and dances on the stage at our favourite club??? Right now, while the tiny dancers are kicking but still inside me and therefore still something very alien to me I sometimes want it all back: the freedom, the happiness, the success and all of that in a second, delivered to my doorstep please. Thank you.
I know I am nowhere near where I want to be (accepting this or moreover turning it into something good is the hardest part for now), that I need time and endurance and patience to work towards my goals. I know I need to let go off the pressure I put myself under, to accept what I have for now and to focus on the here and now like a wise lady in a Queens outfit told me on saturday night at my friends birthday party. It is a learning process and I hope I get there eventually.
It was my decision - so make it happen, sister. Really easier said than done sometimes.
It was my decision - so make it happen, sister. Really easier said than done sometimes.
On a lighter note, the last week held many moments, minutes, hours and days of happiness for me. Although I am currently working every single day (apart from weekends) which does exhaust me at times there were many things to look forward to: my sister coming to stay with us for a few days, being reunited with many lovely people after a long time at my friend´s birthday party, meeting a lovely twin mum who gave me much needed encouragement and her pram and my mum going to see my Dad for a few days which meant the house and car all to myself and my sister - much time and space for take aways, shopping trips, piles of dirty dishes by the sink and doing whatever the hell you feel like.
Reading is still my number one choice over german TV, boredom, loneliness and sadness - some (pregnancy) books scare the hell out of me - some others (James Frey - you are a god!!!!) make me fall in love.
'If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fu** 'em!'
With at least another 3 months to go until I give birth I am definitely save for life in that matter.
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| 23 weeks, ladies and gentleman. |
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